Happiness Doesn’t Start with Someone Else—It Begins When You Truly Meet Yourself.

Happiness Doesn’t Start with Someone Else—It Begins When You Truly Meet Yourself. Or does it? It’s certainly not the story I’ve been told.

Meet someone, settle down, get married, have kids. Happiness and joy is found through others. When I reached my mid-thirties as a singleton, the pressure of these societal goals came to a head. How could I ever be happily single, when happiness is only truly possible when not?

This idea – that a relationship is the answer to happiness – is fed to us at every given opportunity it seems. Concluding that if we are single, we can’t be happy.

So, if I wasn’t single anymore, I’d be happy. Wouldn’t I?

I sought refuge, over and over, in yet another relationship. Years and years searching for happiness via someone else. But the truth is, whilst being in a relationship can be lovely, unless we are on the path to happiness with ourselves and all that we are, we’ll likely struggle to be happy, whether we’re single or in a relationship.

My experience has been: happiness is only truly found when you connect with yourself. It is a personal quest, your responsibly and no others.

Happiness is purposeful and it must be sought

Happiness cannot be bought or obtained through acquisition of objects, or a romantic conquest. Some of these might create a short term high, but long-lasting happiness is truly sought from within ourselves.  

Which makes being single a truly perfect time for discovering what you want and who you want to be. It gives you the time to self-evaluate and go through the process of uncovering what makes you unhappy and what brings you joy and peace, without a need to consider someone else in that equation.

Being single is the perfect time for self-discovery and self-understanding. Being single is so damn important in so many ways because it is the perfect way to meet yourself head on, tackle your demons, proactively work towards doing, changing, forgiving, accepting and loving yourself, and discovering whatever it is you need to do to be happy.

Other people tend to be a distraction, we worry about their needs, what we can do for them, but when you’re single, its a concentration of mind to only you.

Seeking Happiness from Within Isn’t a Magical Journey—But It’s the Most Important One.

I decided to embark on my own self-happiness project (and forgoing dating altogether) in the depths of winter, god knows why. Sprinkle in the seasonal blues whilst ditching dating, add tasking myself to take accountability for my own happiness and it was pretty damn tough.

Loneliness hit hard for that first couple of months. I went deep into a dark mental place of thinking, ‘Well, I won’t ever be happy again now,’ and lost myself for a time. What helped was reminding myself often that loneliness is not a feeling hallmarked by only singletons. Everyone feels lonely at times. Everyone feels a little lost and on the outer edges of things, different in a way that can feel unrelatable and misunderstood. We all have these emotions at times. But those emotions are non-permanent and changeable.

In a way we are all searching to be found in one manner or another. I just hadn’t ever considered that me finding myself, might be the most important way to be found

I started thinking of ways I could not feel as lonely outside of dating other people which would also meant ways I could seek happiness outside of a romantic relationship. Maybe I’d go visit my Mum at the weekend for a walk. Perhaps I’d call a friend and see how they were doing. What about if I put myself forward for that Zumba class in town. Shake off the uncomfortableness of heading out solo and go for coffee on my tod, or visit the cinema by myself on a Friday night?

I did those things and after a time I started to feel okay. I discovered and rediscovered things I liked to do. Spent more time with friends and developed new friendships. My social calendar began to look less bare and in tandem, I started to appreciate and enjoy time to myself more. I read lots of books on mental mindset, listened to podcasts that empowered me to feel like a bad ass bitch as a singleton. Stopped talking to myself in negative ways because I was gradually realising that I was pretty awesome for breaking away from my past unhealthy habits and generating a stronger connection to myself. I was doing the work, and that was something to celebrate.

Also I thought a lot about painful experiences from the past

And allowed myself to forgive myself for the wrongs. I forgave some people for their wrongdoings to me and others I mentally made peace with for myself and let go. Accepted who I was and who I was trying to become. Self-assessment, self-analysis, whatever term fits best, I dissected myself and opened up doors I’d shut tight in my mind, searching for healing and finding peace as I went on.

Focussing on everything I had in my life, how blessed and lucky I am in lots of ways really helped too. It gradually eradicated that little negative voice that used to pop up talking about what I didn’t have or hadn’t achieved as there was much to be grateful for and much that I should be grateful for. I took time each day to recount the things I’d achieved, the moments I’d enjoyed, and it helped to quieten the negative voice that had in part held me back from finding happiness for myself.

Now I understand more of what happiness means for me

The people who I enjoy spending time with. The moments I spend on my own doing my own thing. Things I like to be doing. Ways I handle situations. How much I have grown in the past few years. Activities I love to try out and do more of. The adventures I love and the moments of calm I enjoy. Time I enjoy spending reading or listening to music.

I have to work at my own happiness constantly. It isn’t something you obtain that cannot be lost. And I would be remiss to tell you it will be anything other than a journey for you. But I can say that happiness doesn’t begin when you meet someone else, happiness begins when you take the time to meet yourself.