The Unexpected Beauty of Being Alone in Public

I’ve come to learn that being alone is powerfully compelling, once you’ve reframed alone time as not something that has happened to you, but as a time to make things happen for you. And there is an unexpected beauty in being alone, especially in public.

I used to see alone time as an an involuntary circumstance forced upon me. A sign that I wasn’t wanted. Uncomfortable and lonely. That’s what alone time represented to me. Given the choice, I’d choose company, every time.

However, after seven years of on/off again singleness, I’ve sometimes had no choice but to spend time alone. And it turns out that ‘comfortably alone’ is a skill, especially for people like me, who’ve spent most of their life avoiding spending time by themselves. Who’ve jumped from one relationship, into another. Dating on repeat. In an earnest attempt to avoid singularity.

Time alone is a way to re-connect to oneself, by getting to know oneself better

I began to cherish alone time after practicing unconditionally being there for myself in my moments of peaceful aloneness, I learned that I could provide myself with companionship. I might want someone else’s presence, but in fact I did not need someone else to be there with me. As I could fill my own heart and soul, nourish and nurture my mind and body. I could be alone whilst knowing that I never really was, because here I was, a quiet influential presence supporting myself.

It’s a mindset adjustment, a change to the narrative we’ve been taught, because when you walk alone, people use terms like brave, as if solitude were a secret to be kept private, to be hidden, wrapped in apology, shrouded in shame, never out in the open.

I wonder, are we so afraid of facing the quiet echo of our own company?

Being Alone in Public Never Feels Completely Natural—Even After Doing It So Many Times

What can I say, I’m a self-conscious creature who took the narrative to heart.

However, nothing feels as empowering or confidence boosting, as the self-esteem lift you get from overcoming something you thought would be really difficult, letting go of some of that self-consciousness and thinking, “F*ck it.”

Would people I had no friends?

Would they consider me a loner?

Should I avoid do anything by myself, instead locking myself away until a friend or partner wants to hang out?

Total travesty as my public aloneness might be considered, I’d grown tired of putting my life on hold, wating for someone else to join and enjoy it with me. Time, passes too quickly. I didn’t want to miss the best years of my life any longer, because I was too hung up on what others might think.

Alone Time is Just as Valuable as Social Time

I started small. Simple coffee dates, lunch outings when I fancied a nice meal on a sunny Saturday afternoon, sunset walks along the beach, hiking across the Peak District with the dogs. I took long runs in the countryside and went to the cinema by myself.

And I realized that time to yourself is just as valuable as social time. It became a valuable tool for checking in with myself. A way to reset my thoughts and intentionally seek out moments of quiet away from the noise of the world.

It’s strange because as much as I still wanted to be in a relationship, when in a partnership, my time has often been dominated by them. Being single and alone, I began to see it as an opportunity to be completely free. The freedom to do as I pleased, and choose how I wanted to do it.

My First Big Step into Solo Outings: Seeing the Kaiser Chiefs in Early 2020

I’d booked tickets and was ready to rock my socks off at Nottingham Arena. Slightly nervous, but keen to take another step into solo adventures, when my sister joined last minute as in her words, “You can’t go on your own,” I was a tad disappointed.

Here’s the thing though, you can go on your own, and sometimes, you should. It’s not something to be ashamed of, no-one needs to feel sorry for you. It’s enjoyable, empowering, and pleasant to spend time in your own company once you get over the narrative that suggests being alone is interlinked with sad, lonely and pity worthy.

Since then, I have taken my alone time public, many times. Whilst it’s nice to do things with other people, it’s also pretty great feeling you can do them entirely by yourself too. Of course you have friends, family, people you can do things with, you’re just occasionally choosing not to. The ball is not in their court to decide when you can attend an event, and when you can’t based on their diaries. You’re fulfilling your own desires, and in my case, I was committed to intentionally dating myself and learning to get comfortable with alone time.

For Years, I Dreamed of Visiting Lincolnshire’s Hidden Gem: Kinema in the Woods

As the name suggests, it’s a cinema in the middle of nowhere, known for its cinematic charm from a bygone era, complete with an organist playing during the film intervals on a Saturday night. Sounds cute, right? Top Gun: Maverick came out and nobody wanted to go. Just me then. So I took the plunge, planning to slip in inconspicuously just before the credits started, but unbeknownst to me, each screen only seated fifty people, and by happenstance I of course was the last one to show to a fully booked screening.

I attempted to shrink myself as I cautiously walked up the steps to my seat, as if I could make myself less visible. But the thing is, no-one cared. Despite me assuming aghast wonder at the neon sign above my head stating ‘This woman is single and coming to the cinema ON HER OWN’ barely anyone looked at me. Turns out, the narrative we’ve been taught, is the opinion of the few, not the many.

The hard part is pushing through the feeling that you’re going to look like an utter twat doing something by yourself, especially when you end up awkwardly sandwiched between two couples at a Nish Kumar gig, or eating breakfast in a cosy Norfolk B&B sitting beside an arguing couple. Yet as much as you worry about appearing like a friendless nomad, the reality is, no-one really pays much attention to you or your single-handed independence.

If You’re Worried About Random Strangers Approaching You (It Happens, I Get It)

My policy (as a semi-introvert) is generally to not proactively engage in conversation. However, on occasion it’s been nice to chat for a bit, and learn something new and interesting about a stranger.

Although do practise your exit strategy.

You don’t have to talk to anyone you don’t want too. If a person makes you feel uncomfortable, starts to bore the life out of you or you just don’t feel like socializing, you have the right to break off the small talk. My strategy is polite but direct, “Thanks for the conversation, this has been fun and all but I’m going to get back to my meal/book/coffee.” (I tried this out whilst on a solo trip to Lille, after a lovely conversation with a stranger that had reached the end of its course for me, the cue was respected and we both went back to enjoying our day).

It doesn’t matter what other people think

What’s important is why you are doing it. Here’s some of the best bits for me in being alone in public:

• Learning to self-date with intentions, those intentions being to pursue self-discovery, build my confidence with every new solo adventure and overcome the fear factor (and negative narrative) associated with being single and alone.
• Seeking comfortableness with my own company, reimagining my single life and not holding myself back simple because I am single.
• Reframing my mindset; being alone can be empowering and liberating, where I am not held back from living a life that means something to me. I have every right to enjoy a moment, do a thing, and the experience might be more special because I am alone.

Looking to Embrace Time Alone in Public? Start by Taking Yourself to Dinner—No Distractions

As tempting as it may be to stare at your phone, tap away on your laptop or read a book, there is something special about enjoying the uncomfortableness of no distractions. It becomes something; appreciation and gratitude, that you can enjoy an experience without someone, or something, else there. Not getting through it by any means possible, but sitting with it, in the moment.

It also helps you in realising that very few people pay a blind bit of notice to you, despite your critical thoughts trying to persuade you otherwise. There is nothing to dread, because time alone is something to be savoured. And once you’ve tackled the first challenge, you’ll worry less and less each time you do another thing alone.

From Slightly Uncomfortable to Truly Empowering: The Liberating Experience of Being Alone in Public

Sara Keene wrote, “We all, at one or another time, find ourselves alone. Whether or not we can enjoy this time ultimately hinges on our willingness to challenge pervasive misconceptions of aloneness. What I am finding is that this doesn’t require some grand act, or some unachievable amount of self-love, or a plane ticket to the other side of the world. It’s the simple, often silent practice of dressing up for yourself, taking yourself out, treating yourself to wine and oysters, and finding comfort in your own company.”

I’d add that practising being alone is also an investment in self-priority, self-care and if you’re single whilst doing it, it helps you to move firmly into single thrive territory, which makes it important as hell.

There is a beauty in being alone, especially in public. A source of quiet, calm, liberation, joy, freedom, empowerment, and a sweet spot between human contact and being left to your own thoughts.

One that has now become a staple of my self-care routine.