Recently I went through a breakup, which totally sucked. At 36, I’ve become what I can only describe as a begrudged expert in moving on from the latest relationship catastrophe.
So how do you recover after someone breaks up with you?
Moving on, healing, keeping your dignity and recovery after a breakup are all about processing the trauma and making sure you are looking after you. Although it might not feel like it in this moment, life really is going to be okay without them. And to help get you there, this is my little therapeutic piece on my own breakup and recovery post relationship ending, with a few learned tips in the form of a cathartic outpouring.
1. It is okay, to not be okay
This sounds like fairly uninspiring advice as I write it, but the reality is that often people expect you to get over a breakup far quicker than you’re able too.
Some people tell you to get back on the horse or pull yourself together before you’ve even had a chance to process the end of a relationship you truly valued. People tell you ‘time is a healer’, which is all well and good and absolutely true. However, it’s perfectly okay (and sometimes necessary) to spend some time with the curtains shut, curled up in a ball and letting it all out if you need to. It is okay to feel sad, cry, grieve or not feel anything at all for a while, and to give yourself time to process.
A breakup is a painful experience. You have emotions and it’s okay to express them. It is okay to not be okay.
2. Invest in finding comfort
Don’t feel bad for listening to sad songs, reading books on breakups or finding solace in other people’s inspirational quotes. Do what you need to do to find comfort.
Personally, I love listening to or reading words from other people that can relate to how I am feeling, they offer comfort, support and a reminder that I’m not the only one who has been through the end of something and come out the other side. So stick on that Joni Mitchell record and don’t feel guilty about it for a damn second.
3. Sleep, eat and exercise
I have two extremes when recovering from a breakup; I’m either reaching for a family size tub of Ben and Jerry’s or forgetting to eat altogether. Anyone else do this?
If it’s the latter, I try hard to make small portions and eat often, just concentrating on getting some fuel in my body so I’m able to keep functioning properly. If it’s the former, I just go for it because a week of Ben & Jerry’s isn’t going to kill me. Sleep and exercise also offer a variety of health benefits and exercise actually aids sleeping patterns, boosting endorphins which in turn alleviates depression, reduces stress and anxiety and boosts self-esteem. All major feel good factors for recovery post breakup.
“We have to be whole people to find whole love.”
— Cheryl Strayed, Writer
4. Talk and share with supportive people
When it comes to recovering from a breakup, your friends are usually all over it. Take advantage of people who want to support you. Your friends are your biggest ambassadors in reminding you how strong you are, even if you are crying on their shoulder as they are saying it. They know damn well that you are going to pick yourself back up again and they will be there every step of the way.
5. Book a trip away or go and experience something new
Whilst it is perfectly okay to draw the curtains, commit to your bed and ignore the world for a while, making plans really does help with that post breakup healing and recovery. Because those plans offer a mental break from a sometimes self-destructive state of focusing solely on the breakup. Okay so you may not be the life and soul of the party right now and you might want to cancel those plans last minute. But creating new memories will keep you uplifted. Interaction with the world will help you feel a little more like yourself, day by day. And those experiences will help heal your heart little by little.
“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional”
— M. Kathleen Casey, Politician
6. Avoid the bad relationship cycle
When going through a breakup, the sudden absence of a person who gave you a steady presence, the loss of frequent messages and interaction with someone you cared about can be one of the most painful parts of all. I’ve learned that if you try to fill that void by searching for someone else too quickly, it is only likely to make you choose the wrong relationship and end up months or years down the line feeling unfulfilled and unhappy once more. The only way to avoid the bad relationship cycle post breakup, is to focus on making you happy, by yourself and for yourself.
7. Set firm boundaries
I have been asked many times, “Should I be friends with an Ex?”. My first question is always, “Why would you want to be?” ‘’One of the worst outcomes of a breakup is an on-again, off-again, ambiguous limbo relationship, which almost always leads to worsening heartache.’’ Unless there is a necessary reason for doing so, such as children are involved, I’d recommend staying away from friendships with an Ex. It is often an unhealthy prolonging of your healing and recovery post breakup and you are just offering opportunity for them to abuse the friendship and hurt you again.
I know it’s hard to let go, and that friendship would mean they still get to exist in your life and be a part of it in some way. But, setting firm boundaries removes situations where you stay in contact hoping they remember how amazing and hoping that this then leads to more. Because if you still want them back, a platonic friendship is probably going to end up a romantic limbo relationship that isn’t going to help you move on.
8. Start dating again
Avoiding a bad relationship cycle is one thing, but dating is a whole different ball game and there are a lot of fun times to be had with rebounding. Everyone requires a different period of time to heal after a breakup of course. And only dating when you feel comfortable to do so is key. But there’s nothing wrong with having a little fun.
When you’re ready to date again, do it because you want to and not because you’re distracting yourself from the pain of a recent breakup. Not because of revenge nor for anything other than you being ready to go out there and see what life has got to throw at you.
Any breakup is a significant loss. Give yourself time to come to terms with the relationship ending and grieve. It’s natural to want to find the quickest remedy for your heartache, but healing is never that simple. I promise you that you won’t feel this way forever. One day you will look back with a more balanced and objective perspective of this relationship, seeing all the flaws and a clearer view of why it didn’t work. But for right now, there is no need to rush through your recovery and healing post breakup. Healing looks different for each of us, but happiness will return.
What steps have you used to recover after a breakup? I’d love to know.
Amy Roullier
Amy Roullier is a British writer and author of Silent Reflections of a Fragile Heart. For her, writing began as personal therapy and has evolved into a way to connect with others, posing questions and offering reflections that might help readers find clarity. Based in Lincolnshire, Amy is an occasional vegetarian and a dedicated lover of carbs—her true soulmate. She’s currently navigating a mid-life crisis through running, and mornings are simply impossible without coffee.
