To Have Children Or Be Childfree? The Decision To Everyone Else Seems Inevitable

Are you deciding whether to have children or opt for a childfree lifestyle?

Society often presumes that eventually you’ll make the choice to have children, that you will get there in the end. As if there really wasn’t a need to consider or a choice to be had at all. People expect children to be part and parcel of your life choices. But what if they’re not or you’re still on the fence?

Throughout my 30s I’ve found myself in so many conversations that assume I will 100% have children one day and 100% regret it if I don’t. The decision to them seems inevitable, and yet for me it’s never been that clear cut.

I was often asked, Did I want children?

Pre-Covid my career involved a lot of conferences and networking events, and amongst the general chit chat I was regularly asked whether I was in a relationship or married, followed by, Did I want children? The question was innocently asked, but it ignited anxiety for me because over time, I learned that there was a correct way to answer that question.

Of course you must want children one day, what other answer could there be?

The thing is I wasn’t sure, but I certainly was sure that it wasn’t a resounding Yes at that time, although I also hadn’t chosen to commit to a hard No. So the answer was, ‘I’m not sure’. Queue fear mongering tales of pregnancy struggles, IVF and people urging me to make haste before it was too late.

I was in my mid-30s, and despite my quandary the impression I got was that I probably should be having children at some stage. After all I wasn’t getting any younger and it’s the assumed next step for a woman, especially one of my age it appeared. And yet the answer was a real unknown for me. But even saying that I might not want children felt as if it would utterly baffle people.

The expectation that children would complete me

Being honest, my biological clock was certainly loudly ticking away by that point, and I suppose I was searching for the right relationship with children in distant mind. But I was just sort of going through the motions. Not really thinking about what my choice might be once I got to a position of being able to more easily.

However, it was clear there were expectations from those around me and even from myself, that children must or should be a definite part of my future. The internal and external pressure was there for sure, but I still didn’t know whether having a child one day was what I wanted.

At the time I was tackling a lot of thoughts including, Was I going to miss out if I didn’t? The reality of being single in my 30s and so the option of children felt incredibly far away anyway. I had a biological clock that wouldn’t shut the fuck up, and there was always a sense that having kids didn’t feel like a comfortable fit for me, because I have never had that overwhelming urge to be a parent.

Of course people didn’t know all of this, that’s the very reason I’m writing this blog. But the replies were always the same, “Don’t leave it too late” “You may have issues conceiving” or “You’ll regret it if you don’t.” and, “Children will complete you”.

The decision seems to everyone else, inevitable

People offered these statements with such assurity. My decision whether to have children seemed to everyone else as predestined that it would sway towards wanting them and a wrong choice if I did not. And in my 30s age already felt like it was slowly working against me, because I knew I was going to reach a point where that decision was taken away from me completely. It was a countdown clock I could not control. And when you’re aware of a decision deadline, everything feels infinitely more pressured.

But despite all of this, my uncertainty and other people’s certainty, I still did not know whether I actually wanted children or whether along with other’s expectations, I was developing my own that I should have them one day because of the pressure to conform rather than do what was right for me. When people stated to me with assured boldness, “Children will complete you,” I would think, “But really, will they?”

Still not having children at that stage in life I saw things from a different perspective. There was an attraction to both choices. And also, a general comfortableness and enjoyable outlook at the thought of a childfree future. The freedom to continue as I had been, did not feel as if it would be a life devoid of love or happiness, nor did I feel it would be incomplete in any way.

I suppose the question wasn’t, Was I going to miss out on having children? The right question was, Did I mind if that happened?

I had become so transfixed on this conversation around must have children, that it must be the right path to choose and I was in the wrong for even debating it with myself because it had been such a high topic of discussion with anyone I had met, that for a time I convinced myself that it was the only path. Because women are seen as an oddity if they express anything other than a desire to be a parent one day.

Any time I cited my unclear thoughts on the topic the conversation turned to convincing me it was the right thing to do. Never an understanding that it might actually be wrong for me. So you feel mistaken for seriously considering a childfree lifestyle, especially if it isn’t a resounding ‘No’ from the off, as people treat the situation like there is room for them to persuade you against a childfree life.

This was such a difficult thing to handle when I was seriously considering what was right for my future. When the answer was to myself unknown but also, just kind of expected to end up in a certain direction as if I had no real choice.

But you’d make such a good mum

Yes, my biological clock was ticking but in my 30s, but I think that might happen to most of us? When I really thought about it, aside from my body naturally expressing itself I’d never had a desire to be pregnant or to be a mother. Oh I like the idea of it at times, but the reality? I’m not really sure I’m into that.

And yet I get this all the time, “But you’d make such a good mum,” said in sad tone. Like it’s a waste. Like I have nothing more to offer as a woman and it’s so terribly sad that I’m not going to experience motherhood, my essential reason for being and existing (not my words, but certainly ones I’ve seen said many times to others online).

I love my nephew and niece, and my friend’s children with all my heart and I treat them as if they were my own. Maybe being a fabulous Aunt is an ideal aspiration for me? Maybe that’s enough?

These damn societal expectations are outdated and unhealthy

So what is my answer now? I’m pretty sure I don’t want children, because I haven’t yet had that overwhelming urge to do differently. Maybe I’ll never be that someone who is 100% on the subject. Perhaps I’ll change my mind at some stage. Maybe if life had been different and I hadn’t been single still at 37 or spent my 30s mostly on my own and really grown to love time to myself. If I had considered it all at a much younger age maybe, that decision would be different.

But life happened the way it’s happened. And what I do know for sure is that societal expectations that a woman should have children and that it’s the only conceivable option for the future, are outdated and unhealthy. Especially when it is implied that having a child will complete someone, as if childfree women are somehow incomplete, incomparably miserable and forever more regretting their life choices.

The decision is not inevitable, the decision is mine and yours, individually to make

We have the right to change our mind, debate it, consider it and then decide. Which is why people should re-evaluate conversations around a woman’s choice to have children, as it would be nice to not presume and instead understand. Because life can look differently for each of us. Life is not pre-set or inflexible. And it’s something to celebrate that we are all so unique in our wants and needs.

I’d like it if the conversations I’d had, had come with understanding and not one sided perspective. Because I was certainly considering the pros of being a parent, but no-one else seemed to ponder what not being one might be like for me and how that would consist of many attractive positives too.

A childfree lifestyle or having children is a choice

It should be celebrated that we have possibilities, that we are all unique and have different ways of pursuing happiness and completeness. There shouldn’t be judgement or assumptions that can make any decision someone is debating more difficult, by implying that there is only one choice to be made.

I know that I will be happy and complete with a childfree life if that continues to be my situation, that is okay with me. The question is, Can everyone else be okay with it?

Are you considering whether to have children or be childfree? Have you been in a situation where someone has assumed that they can convince you otherwise on a childfree life? I’d love to know. Please share your comments below.