I thought that online dating in my 30s would be a colossal leap forward compared to my early 20s. So I went in expecting a tad more refined and sophisticated versus, ‘attempt to hold a drunken conversation with a stranger over deafening music in a sweaty, crowded bar’ scenarios. However, I was wrong. There’s no point reminiscing folks (trust me, you will) times have changed and not necessarily for the better.
I approached online dating in my 30s with the same tenacity as with all things in life; with a sense of purpose and openness. I knew I wanted to find something long lasting and meaningful, and I was optimistically confident going into it that with dating having had a digital glow up, a decade added onto the books for good measure and all that quantity out there in the dating marketplace, surely something would come along?
However it’s often felt like I’m playing a game where nobody has explained the rules and no-one is clear about who they are or what they want. At times you’re unsure if the people involved are even playing the same game as you. Some, are playing multiple games at once and other times players quite simply vanish.
You’re simply another profile amongst an ever long swipe fest of options attempting to figure the damn thing out. Which is why online dating for me is missing that age old mantra, ‘Quality over quantity.’
Online dating is fundamentally shallow
Being brutally honest, online dating appears just an ego boost for some people. According to Tinder, 42% of people online dating already have a partner. Turns out that everyone wants to be wanted, even if they shouldn’t be actively participating in searching.
For the truly single, online dating in your 30s provides a big market of people to choose from, which sounds great, right? However online dating also encourages split second decisions based on a couple of images and a short bio. People seem on the hunt for the next best thing with a mindset of, ‘I can do better’ before paying too much attention to whether you could be the best thing they’ve stumbled across.
Online dating can be really shallow and ironically, whilst online dating is in itself is the ability to connect with a larger range of dating prospects, actual connection is a hard thing to find.
The on-going virtual relationship
Frustratingly a lot of online dating in my 30s has remained, well, online. People seem to want to feel wanted and they like the idea of actively dating and looking for love, but in fact quite often they don’t have the time to commit to any kind of relationship in person. They either never get around to taking the next step of meeting in person or it ends up a relationship that’s virtual, mostly through text messages and voice notes.
I know phone calls are a bit 90s, but I’d take a proper conversation any day over occasional messages that drag out for weeks and don’t even lead to an ‘in person’ date at the end of it. As Ice White once said, “Messaging must come with purpose, and that purpose is to meet.”
Online dating sometimes feels like an enabler for active avoidance of an in-person relationship. I mean why bother committing to just the one when you can casually chat to hundreds, gaining a sense of validation whilst also never having to go through the awkward stages of putting yourself truly emotionally out there and making a choice to commit?
There are a lot of emotionally unavailable people out there my friends. And they really don’t care about wasting your time or leading you on.
Keeping options open
The sad reality is that the perks of online dating are extensive choice, and so it feels extremely rare to find a person having only one conversation at a time. It’s that quantity/quality saga again. Because people can date multiple people at once, they do, and I suppose realistically why the hell not?
Perhaps because the time and investment put into a conversation you are having can then feel meaningless and exhausting when quantity is prioritised above and over anything else again and again. And then as you expect to be underwhelmed and disappointed, you might not share more than is necessary. Which means conversations become fleeting and boresome before they’ve even had a chance to begin, because you’ve assumed the finale and are therefore less likely to attempt any more than a basic interaction.
And then you create a higher and higher bar to really hook your attention, because you know everyone else is doing exactly the same and why waste a damn minute more of your time?
I was suckered into the whole ‘If you can’t beat them, join them’ mindset
I got so tired of putting effort into one-sided or dead end conversions that were clearly so because their attention was being shared amongst the masses. Whilst I tried my best to give them a fair chance before I moved onto the next, they were already chatting with the next and the next and the next. But in truth changing my tactics didn’t help much either, because having ten dead end chats at once isn’t any more fulfilling than a singular.
Perhaps most people start with good intentions, but in the end online dating forces people into a numbers game because a quality dating experience is so damn hard to find. It’s a cycle that becomes destructive to your self-esteem and general hopes of ever meeting someone.
Prepare for dick pics
Another penis. Yawn.
As a woman, dick pics feel part and parcel of navigating online dating. You will receive them, unsolicited or otherwise. Any men reading who do this – Not cool, seriously not cool. It removes anything quality about an interaction if a person is sending a snapshot of their downstairs before they’ve even asked what you like to do with your free time. Here’s a list of quotes by women and their thoughts on this issue. Number 8 is a personal favourite.
Requests for semi or full naked photos
Disturbingly men request this quite early on in a conversation and far too often than makes me comfortable. Personally this is a No from me. But when the requests become frequent, it can pressurise the environment and feel like a normal request to be adhering to.
If you are made to feel like someone will only stick around to see an image in person once they’ve ogled a few grainy underwear snaps pre-in person date. When you’re feeling uncomfortable and being encouraged to send a little skin to continue a conversation. It’s hard to feel like there is anything quality going on.
Ghosting
Never nice and a real shitty part of online dating in your 30s, but unfortunately up to 80% of people have been ghosted online. With so many options, no-one seems to like to quite rule anything out. Which is why you rarely get a, “Hey, you seem nice and I’ve enjoyed the chat but you’re not for me.” Another casualty of the online dating quantity saga.
Sadly I realise that I’ve done it too. I tell myself it was the nicer kind of ghosting, a slow disengage rather than the disappear and block completely method. But either way, who am I kidding? It’s still ghosting.
I have now adapted my style in this area with a simple message to say that I’ve enjoyed the chat but I’m not feeling the vibe, so that I can ease my conscious that I’m not being a total douchebag.
Being blocked
The next step up from being ghosted is getting blocked. This one utterly baffles me. Did they really think I was going to chase someone who wasn’t interested in me, to the point where blocking feels like a necessity to halt all contact? Apparently, yes. Because blocking happens regularly and it’s pretty shit.
Mainly because when you’re a reasonable person who wouldn’t chase someone who clearly isn’t into you, you can’t quite get your head around why complete eradication from life is necessary. I can only put it down to the fact that I’m just not considered a real life person with reasonable feelings, who could absolutely accept someone saying, “This has been fun and all but you aren’t for me.” Or maybe it’s that blocking means having to take zero accountability for disengaging from the conversation? Unfortunately, I’ll never know.
Pretending to be ‘busy’
Whether you are busy or not, responding too quickly seems to send the message that you’re too keen. Guys apparently respond when you respond less. Less is more as they say.
Even if you’re genuinely hectic in life but you happen to have a moment when they’ve messaged to respond, apparently you shouldn’t. Confused? I mean that’s what online dating has always been for me, total and utter confusion.
Keeping an open mindset
In my early thirties I did genuinely just want to have fun with zero expectations. As my 30s progressed, I wanted to find that connection with someone special. But with online dating being fundamentally shallow. Virtual relationships being a ‘norm’. Quantity overload meaning quality gets thrown out the window. It can be pretty difficult to date without feeling that online dating is controlling you, rather than the other way around.
Somehow, you’re still having to cast aside the essential reason you’re dating, to meet someone and fall in love, obvs. And go at it with a ‘I’m looking to just meet new people’ instead of ‘I’m looking for The One’. I’ve felt like I’ve had to lower my expectations, because online dating has been a sub-par experience for me over the past six years.
The dating marketplace in your 30s
So how do you navigate online dating in your 30s? Clearly, I don’t have a fucking clue, but I’m not sure anyone really ever figures it out completely (If you have, SEND HELP!) People just get lucky I guess and somehow stumble across a needle of quality in a massive haystack of unmeaningful quantity.
I do know that online dating in my 30s has brought about a lot of nostalgia for a time when dating felt much simpler. A time when dating didn’t stay predominantly virtual and therefore lacking in human connection. When I could invest in a person and enjoy getting to know them, without feeling as if they were just looking for the next best thing without giving some thought as to me possibly being that. An era where quality, felt like the thing most people were looking for.
How do you navigate online dating in your 30s? Are you bossing it? I’d love to know. Share your comments below (Seriously, #helpafriend).
Amy Roullier
Amy Roullier is a British writer and author of Silent Reflections of a Fragile Heart. For her, writing began as personal therapy and has evolved into a way to connect with others, posing questions and offering reflections that might help readers find clarity. Based in Lincolnshire, Amy is an occasional vegetarian and a dedicated lover of carbs—her true soulmate. She’s currently navigating a mid-life crisis through running, and mornings are simply impossible without coffee.
