My 30s hit me hard. So many expectations that hadn’t existed in my 20s when I just did things for fun, made mistakes, had zero level of shit worked out and didn’t have to think about the looming ‘future’ ahead or the consequences.
But when that big 3-0 arrived it came towing fear inducing anxiety that major life decisions must be made now. Suddenly you’re expected to have a concrete notion of where you are heading in life. In your 30s you should have attained, be accomplishing or have already achieved.
People expect marriage, babies, top class careers, well-travelled adventurers
Financial success, mortgage sorted, and above all, you should some level of your shit firmly figured out in those 30s. A 30+ person should be ‘complete’ or at the very least be pretty far up the ladder to obtaining ‘completeness’. But what if you aren’t even close? What if 30 is still firmly on route to destination life figured out?
My early 30s began with a divorce, leaving my London job and swapping a decade living in Kent for my home county of rural Lincolnshire, UK
I didn’t have the foggiest where my life was heading in the present, let alone what the future would look like. By societies standards I was moving back down not up that ladder. So I felt that added pressure of should be achieving yet in fact readjusting in my 30s.
When I looked to my peers and saw some of them ticking off some of life’s tick box big moments, that pressure became even more heightened. Getting to your 30s and having zero level of shit sorted out is pretty naff, especially when some people you know are starting to make sense of it all.
It isn’t comparison per se, more that your 30s is the decade more than any other where you see one another’s differences in plain sight; the figure ‘outers vs. the figure ‘ees. And it’s a time where uprooting, realigning, still figuring out big decisions, it all somehow feels wrong even when it might be right for you.
The Mid-30s Crisis
I went through a mid-30s crisis, because there was all this panic over things not done or achieved yet. You are expected to be in a different mindset entirely; settled and satisfied, not still working through it all.
If you change your career, suddenly leave a relationship after a decade, decide that charity work is way better than that six figure salary in the city, still don’t know whether kids and marriage is for you, people think you’re nuts when you’re still making those big decisions at any stage past 3 point 0. I mean time is cracking on, what the heck have you been dallying about for?
Dismissing the expectations
Let’s just take a moment to grab a breath. I mean whose life is this?
I had to have a word with myself and dismiss that pressure and those expectations that seemed to come along for the ride in my 30s. Because whilst I wasn’t achieving in the same way as others, and there were still many things I hadn’t figured out, I had made some pretty big decisions that were positive to my life and my future. I was discovering that sometimes you have to take a perceived few steps backwards to go forwards. That starting again is not starting from the beginning. And that my 30s was as good a time as any to make those changes. Plus, releasing the pressure is wonderfully freeing.
I realised that my own happiness was the only thing that really mattered
Every decision I made in my 30s, whether they appeared to be backwards steps to anyone else, were things that were helping me to move forwards.
I was taking charge of my 30s, maybe just in a different way to the one people expected or that I had expected for myself.
I was taking risks and allowing myself to start over. Told myself it was okay to wipe the slate clean and start again or have literally zero clue where the heck to start in the first place. Dismissing the expectation that my 30s should be everything concretely figured out was by far, one of the best things I did for myself in my early 30s.
“Don’t surrender all your joy for an idea you used to have about yourself that isn’t true anymore.”
— Cheryl Strayed, Writer
It is never too late to reset
For me this decade has continued to be one of self-reflection and I’m totally okay with that. But I have also adjusted the expectations of what I should be achieving in my 30s. Because taking time to reassess and take stock is healthy. It is never too late to reset. Making sure you are on the right track is a good way to ensure you are on a path you still want to be on. Necessary changes, even if they appear like backwards steps, are changes that move you forwards. And FYI, taking charge of your 30s without allowing age itself or societal expectations to be the defining factors, is pretty effing fab, actually.
There are multiple points in life where things go to shit. So to look at your 30s as a decade of only ticking tick boxes and achieving when you have no idea what’s around the corner is a sure-fire way to making yourself unhappy. Plus, if the 30s are just a decade long wonderous thing of fulfilling all your goals and life aspirations, what else would there be to look forward too?
Revise your own & dismiss societies expectations completely
If you are feeling any level of crappiness about hitting your 30s and having entirely no clue, a fairly vague idea or simply a sketchy outline. I can tell you from experience, that revising the expectations to achieve certain things by a certain age is the only way forward. Take charge of those 30s and dismiss societies expectations. Your 30s is just an extension of the life you’ve been living so far; discovering yourself, your wants and your dreams. You don’t need to have achieved all of that by now. In fact, that’s a continual and lifelong process.
It’s never too late to take a few risks, reject societies ideals and take charge of your 30s. So reassess, reset and realign to your hearts content. Do these things for you, not for anyone else. Because those 30s offer a decade of being more confident and equipped to handle what life throws at you. It is a time of redefining personal fulfilment. A period of heightened self-awareness unlike any decade before it. It’s the perfect age for self-improvement and continuing to grow and develop. Whatever your 30s is, is right where you should be. Take charge of your 30s and enjoy it.
Life as a 30s something
It’s not often I write with a sense of wisdom thrown in. But my 30s have been a steep learning curve. Here’s what I’ve learned about 30s something life:
- Don’t give yourself ‘age’ time frames to achieve goals and life aspirations. You don’t need that pressure.
- Don’t look at others and compare your life, as every path is unique.
- Do reassess and reset if you need to. It’s never too late to take charge of your life.
- Make your own happiness front and centre of every decision.
- Vow to do things your own way, because then it can’t fail in being a spectacular journey.
- Be good to the people you care about, those positive relationships are integral to your growth.
- Prioritizing self-care is fundamental to creating a happier you.
- Empowering yourself and taking charge of your own destiny results in positive, healthy choices.
- Societal expectations shouldn’t over-ride your own wants and needs. Be confident in who you are and what you want from life. Every decision you make is leading you towards a present and future that is right for you.
- Your 30s is the perfect time for continuing to grow and develop.
“Everything I know I learned after I was thirty.”
— Georges Clemenceau, French Prime Minister
How are you handling life in your 30s? I’d love to know! Do you think we need to dismiss the expectations of what our 30s should look like? Share your comments below.
Amy Roullier
Amy Roullier is a British writer and author of Silent Reflections of a Fragile Heart. For her, writing began as personal therapy and has evolved into a way to connect with others, posing questions and offering reflections that might help readers find clarity. Based in Lincolnshire, Amy is an occasional vegetarian and a dedicated lover of carbs—her true soulmate. She’s currently navigating a mid-life crisis through running, and mornings are simply impossible without coffee.
