Throughout the last six years of dating since my divorce, there has steadily been a worrying decrease in respecting of sexual boundaries in the bedroom. And that line of respect and trust appears to be becoming thinner as the years pass.
Maybe it’s just me? I’m possibly attracting the wrong kind of men. Or rural Lincolnshire is a haven for men with a lack of respect for sexual boundaries? Because I know that it isn’t all men, but I can only speak from my own experiences and it is certainly becoming a norm for myself.
I really hope that no-one can relate to this article. That this is a singular experience for me, and not a trend out there in the dating world. I hope that your sexual boundaries are being respected and adhered too, and that you’re already searching out the next article to scroll, with zero interest in what’s written here.
What is a sexual boundary?
For anyone in the room that’s unclear (totally aimed at the douche bags who don’t know), let’s start with a little breakdown of what a sexual boundary is and why they are so important. A sexual boundary is the creation of a line that shouldn’t be crossed. Communication, usually set ahead of sex taking place, but at whatever stage of sexual activity, of what is okay or not okay. In order to create a comfortable, safe, enjoyable environment for sex for both parties.
It could be as simple as creating a comfortable setting, like having the lights switched on or off. Or expressing things that someone doesn’t want or feel at ease doing. It might be those fumbling moments as clothes come off where a person is reminded, “I don’t do anal.”
Why are sexual boundaries so important?
Sex is a mutual activity; mutual desire, mutual pleasure and mutual agreement on the terms of how that sexual activity should be conducted to ensure that desire and pleasure is maintained throughout and everyone feels respected, safe and happy with the experience. Trust equals everyone being comfortable and at ease, and that means the sex is going to be awesome! But as soon as a sexual boundary is disrespected, the trust and respect are broken. And once those things are lost, the desire and pleasure element quickly follow suit.
“It’s hard to experience desire when you’re weighted down by concern.”
— Esther Perel
How crossing the line is going to make you feel (Unless you’re an utter arsehole)
A little while ago I asked a guy to put on a condom. Easy request I thought, safety first. Pretty much a bare minimum in terms of sexual boundaries. However an apparently hard task to master. He wanted to test the boundaries and so things halted pretty damn quickly.
“I thought you’d like it,” was his response.
Newsflash for him, I didn’t. And this isn’t the only time a man has crossed that line in many different ways, this is just a tamer example.
In that particular scenario, I was angry and distressed. He was upset (he really did think I’d like it). And we both felt like shit after. Disrespecting sexual boundaries is simply a dick move that makes everyone feel profoundly lousy. And I’m tired of this lack of respect for me as a person. My words being considered irrelevant against another person’s needs, which are prioritized over my basic requirements for a safe, healthy, trusting sexual interaction, whether a one night thing or longer term. No-one feels good after, and it just adds a crappy sexual experience to the bank.
Why does setting a sexual boundary cause confusion?
It feels a bit like the confusion over the word, No. Which is still sometimes misconstrued by people and turned into, “They’re saying, No, because what they really want is for me to keep doing the thing they told me not too. Because they’ll change their mind and begin to enjoy it.” Sexual boundaries are feeling more optional than imperative in my dating world and I’m more often than not nowadays forced to enforce them.
I’m not saying, “No” to something or citing a sexual boundary because I want it testing, thank you. A sexual boundary shouldn’t be an aspirational aim to overcome and change my mind. I know what I like and what I don’t like. I’m quite literally telling people what I want and don’t want. I’m honouring their boundaries, so why can’t they revere mine?
Is it just me experiencing this modern dating disappointment of sexual boundaries being entirely ignored? Am I the only one feeling like an object to satisfy someone else to the point where what I say, has inconsequential relevance to the satisfaction of another?
Is the way people date to blame?
Probably. Because dating in the modern world undoubtedly has a lack of inter-personal connection. Add into the mix an online-dating virtual marketplace where people are seen as plentiful commodities rather than individual humans looking for real connections and maybe people treat one another less like people and more as disposable objects?
Combine it all with a wonderful freedom to explore sexual fantasies and desires in a less inhibited way in today’s world (something that should absolutely be celebrated). And this equates to limited care about one another’s feelings or needs, despite sex with another person being mutual. And it all contributes to a lack of understanding, communication, trust and respect.
Time For Change
I want to celebrate respectful and comfortable environments where inhibitions can be loosened because both parties have agreed their likes and communicated their dislikes and those things won’t be challenged mid-sex. I’d love my image of men to not be corrupted with shitty excuses that they think I’d like something when I have been really clear setting the sexual boundaries of what I don’t want or like. It’s a basic skill of communication to talk and then listen, and not ignore the words coming out of someone’s mouth. And more importantly, I don’t want the next generation to get a worse experience of all of this.
Just Don’t Cross The Line
If you’re reading this from the other angle, here’s a few pointers how to put those changes into action.
In doubt? Ask them what they are comfortable with.
Still unsure? Stop and check they are ok.
Still a bit of doubt in your mind? Just ask.
Did they tell you, No? Then fucking listen and respect the words and don’t cross the line.
Yes it might mean you have to stop thinking with your penis for a moment and have a conversation with the person you’re having sex with. But you’ll feel like a better and more decent human being by knowing you’ve both agreed what you’re comfortable with before you go ahead.
“The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your relationships . . . which are basically a reflection of your sense of decency, your ability to think of others, your generosity.”
— Esther Perel
Conversation is Crucial
I want to create better conversations around sex and not lose trust or respect or dilute sexual boundaries to a preference as opposed to a firm line. Not just be clear and communicate, I’d love people to really listen, acknowledge and respect with actions. I’d love to promote healthy sex. Mutual pleasure. Encourage real human interaction. Connect with another person on a deeper level and those sexual experiences will benefit from that connection, whether it’s a one-time thing or not.
Surely everyone wants great sex rather than lots of mediocre crappy sex that leaves a bitter taste and negative experiences along the way?
The Importance of Respecting Sexual Boundaries in the Bedroom
Respecting sexual boundaries really is quite simple. There is no confusion to be had. There is no need to complicate it, just listen and respect them. Every person has the right to say “No” to anything that makes them feel unsafe or uncomfortable. Don’t be that person who thinks it’s okay to challenge and disrespect what a person is communicating to you. Don’t be that guy.
What’s your take on modern dating and sexual boundaries being respected? Scroll down to share your comments. P.S. To all the decent people out there who listen and respect sexual boundaries. This isn’t a tarnish all article. But it is a real life take on modern dating from my own personal experiences. I know, lucky lady, right? And whilst some could argue it is not all men, even some, is far too many.
Amy Roullier
Amy Roullier is a British writer and author of Silent Reflections of a Fragile Heart. For her, writing began as personal therapy and has evolved into a way to connect with others, posing questions and offering reflections that might help readers find clarity. Based in Lincolnshire, Amy is an occasional vegetarian and a dedicated lover of carbs—her true soulmate. She’s currently navigating a mid-life crisis through running, and mornings are simply impossible without coffee.