Being honest, I only started considering the idea of dating myself after a long string of dating failures and bad relationships. I’d become accustomed to these repeated cycles and it sucked, big time. But generally, I’ve been much better at seeking out highs from other people, than I have been at making myself happy.
However, that was something I needed to change. Because like any relationship, I began to realize that the one I had with myself, was something worth cultivating and prioritizing.
Having let go of the idea that the next swipe would change my life and that it would be so much better to do things with someone else than solo, I was on the very first step towards dating myself. But how exactly did I go about self-dating?
Self-dating for me, often the best times were had in the simple, quiet moments
When I first went into it, I thought it should be full of creative solo date ideas and wild adventures to Australia and beyond. But ultimately, I found the most meaningful moments of dating myself to include simply spending time treating myself how I wanted to be treated and doing things I really wanted to do, totally solo.
Like getting around to reading some of that book that had been sat on my bedside table for months unopened. Or cooking myself up a new recipe with a glass of wine in hand, some music in the background and a bit of dim lighting to set the feel-good mood. Taking long walks in the countryside, as it’s really therapeutic for my mental wellbeing and my soul has always felt at peace in the outdoors. And then here and there it was gigs, comedy shows, travelling abroad by myself and other active quality me time moments.
Although a little romantic night away to Norfolk was a particular defining moment
Because that overnight trip to Norfolk really changed everything for me.
It was my first totally solo activity. I was so very anxious and nervous as I drove the two hours to a tiny little B&B in the middle of nowhere. What was I going to do? Who would I speak too? I was committing to an entire 48 hours by myself, how would I cope? But as soon as I set foot in the countryside, took some time to wander along the Norfolk beaches, tucked into a meal for one at a local pub, and ran myself a bath to while away the evening. I didn’t only feel totally relaxed, I felt invigorated and empowered.
Because I realized that actually, there is no rule book to self-dating. There is no right or wrong way to do it. You choose your next adventure or your quiet moment, you carve out a bit of time and say, ‘I’m spending this with me’ and you do just that. And suddenly, you find that there are no barriers to what you can do by yourself.
Solo time becomes a little addictive once you get to comfortable and empowered by it
Which is good really, as the reality is if you’re single and slightly older than 30, your friends and family have different commitments. They may not always be able to lock into your plans and do the things you want to do. Personally, I found that I was quite often not doing things because of this. I was waiting around for them, only to feel more and more like I was waiting around to actually get on with my life.
That’s why learning to self-date was so important for me. It was showing myself that I could be self-reliant, I could embrace each day with or without company. Not having someone tagging along wasn’t going to stop me from enjoying my life.
Because if you haven’t found a romantic prospective as of yet, and all your IRL connections are busy, what’s the alternative, do nothing? That’s tantamount to a life spent in a waiting room of your own creating.
And honestly, I’ve been happier too because I no longer have a fear that I’m missing out on life.
Dating myself isn’t something I’ll only do when I’m single either
It’s really nice to spend a few hours or day or two every now and then just being alone or doing something for and by myself. Self-care is really a core element of dating yourself. So the how I do it, I don’t think is ever as important as the why I’m doing it. And why I self-date is because it challenges me to step outside of my comfort zone. It helps me to become comfortable in my own company. It’s also this reminder to myself that I am a priority. I am worth spending some time with.
I am always going to be the main person responsible for me and my needs. And I really think it helps me to understand myself more. To recognise and acknowledge that I am independent and not co-dependent on anyone else, which is even more important when I’m in a relationship. Because I don’t want to lose this feeling I’ve finally found, this feeling of joy at being with myself, of understanding her more and more, and it feels important to not lose that.
People have often commented that I’m ‘brave’ for doing some of these things by myself
I find the term ‘brave’ an interesting choice when people reference my dating myself. I suppose the more I become comfortable with spending time on my own, the more I realise how frowned upon alonement is societally. How very uncomfortable it seems we are at doing things solo, especially publicly. As if spending time alone should be done under a shroud of shame, somewhat apologetically, and never out in the open where possible. And so brave seems an adequate choice of word when so many are so very frightened of the thought of doing something by themselves.
It used to scare the crap out of me too of course. I get it
The idea of stopping dating other people, the idea of self-dating instead. The thought of being alone, and then the being alone in front of the whole wide world as I embarked on some solo outdoor activities. The first few times I thought, “People are going to think I have no friends.’ ‘People are going to stare and judge me for being alone.’ ‘How the heck can I leave the house and intentionally go to a thing without anyone else?’ But then I had a good logical chat with myself. Why did I care about what other people thought, especially the strangers I’d meet on a solo outing, who didn’t know me plus I’d likely never see again?
What was I gaining? Well quite a bit actually. A sense of independence, an empowering boost of self-reliability, a rush of confidence, to highlight just a few positives. So did it matter what other people thought? No, not really. Not as much as how impacting it was for me personally to date myself and push myself to do these things. And that was the whole reason I started dating myself in the first place. For me.
If you were looking for some self-dating inspirational ideas, I’m sorry to disappoint
Because learning to self-date is actually quite simple. You do whatever you want to do, when and wherever you want to do it. The hard part though, is pushing through the feeling that you’re going to look like an utter twat doing it, especially when you’re sandwiched between two couples at a Nish Kumar gig like I was on one occasion.
Self-date with purpose, one of self-discovery. Build your confidence with every new solo adventure. Embrace solo moments and self-priority. Make self-care a well-considered addition to your life. Find yourself, by giving yourself the time to date yourself.
If you’re considering a little self-dating, I’d highly recommend it.
Amy Roullier
Amy Roullier is a British writer and author of Silent Reflections of a Fragile Heart. For her, writing began as personal therapy and has evolved into a way to connect with others, posing questions and offering reflections that might help readers find clarity. Based in Lincolnshire, Amy is an occasional vegetarian and a dedicated lover of carbs—her true soulmate. She’s currently navigating a mid-life crisis through running, and mornings are simply impossible without coffee.
