Are you Married? Dating? Oh, just Single then.

Rewind back to 2016, when I was 31, going through a divorce, and newly single. I didn’t plan to be single in my 30s of course, but there it was. Singledom. Suddenly feeling so much more irreversible than it had in my teens or 20s.

Would I be single forever? Who knew. But what I did learn, is that a lot of people don’t understand being single at all and there is a hell of a lot of stigma attached to it.

“You’re in your 30s and still single? What’s wrong with you?” I heard that a lot.

“Get back out there, don’t leave it too late, no-one will want you.” Yep this one too. Or the intro questions, “Are you married? Dating? Oh, just single then.” As if my relationship status was the most interesting thing to ask me about. And there was this not even just implied, but pretty obvious disappointment when revealing I was single. Plus a whole list of solutions and things to consider to solve my singledom.

Everything about being single in my 30s felt a bit shameful

Being in a relationship seemed to signify that I would be instantly alright as a person, and being single, meant I was not. Which is why it took me a long, long time to say I was single and not feel any kind of shame about it.

Which is also a major reason why I started this blog. Because whether I’m single now, dating, or in a relationship, changing the mindset on being single is always going to be something I strive for. Because sure, relationships are nice, I’m not saying they aren’t. But I don’t think we should put someone in a relationship on a pedestal as getting life done right. Or view someone single as doing the whole life thing totally wrong.

I didn’t realize until I was single in my 30s, that so much stigma exists for it. And it frustrates me that being in a relationship is hailed as such a success in life, so much so that single therefore becomes something so negatively labelled.

The relationship with ourselves is one worth cultivating and celebrating too

In our culture, romantic love is seen as the solution. But it’s all rather idealistic and unrealistic to think that a relationship is going to make everything okay. Lennon might have said, “All we need is love” but after nearly seven years of on/off relationships, this hasn’t been true for me.

Love doesn’t mean someone is a good partner. It doesn’t automatically result in a romantic relationship that’s respectful, compassionate, and has good intentions. A romantic relationship, isn’t always the success it’s hyped up to be. There are many relationships we have in our lives that have the ability to make us feel loved, valued and connected. But for some reason, our culture hails being in any romantic relationship, whether it’s good or bad, a satisfying tick box ticked. And this doesn’t help with single stigma.

Getting myself from thinking single equalled survive mode to single thriving, was such a game changer for me personally. Because to keep looking at relationships as the only answer, as the thing to consistently be aiming for, to idealize them in such a way that it creates that feeling that without one, you must be lost and broken. This viewpoint for me is actually totally wrong and extremely harmful to your self-image.

Relationships don’t mean you’re ‘worthy’

A main pain point for me in being single is the automatic viewpoint people have that something must be wrong with you because you’re on your own. And I think this angle is worse for single women, too.

“She must be hard work, difficult, too independent,” etc, etc. It all boils down to the main idea being single is associated with; That no-one will have them. But as I’ve already said, you can pretty much settle into any relationship with anyone, that doesn’t mean it’s a good one. It doesn’t mean you’re worthy. It’s just another example of how we associate relationships with the positive, and single with the negative.

It feels a little like I’m relationship bashing here, but I’m not intending to

It’s just that without being really honest about what relationships are and how we often over commend them, it’s hard to disassociate the romanticism of the relationship and destigmatize singledom. It’s impossible to get across why asking someone why a person is still single is actually a form of single shaming. How the negative bias surrounding single actually for me was the worst thing about my single life. That these stereotypes we hold onto, from long standing societal standards that to have a partner equates to an instantly happy life, need re-evaluating. Because they are hurtful and harmful and most importantly, incorrect.

The truth is, Love is a beautiful thing, but it also isn’t the answer to everything

Just because a choice is right for one, doesn’t mean that everyone has to conform to the same ideals. No-one should feel expected to fit into a cultural relationship norm, just to keep their self-image intact and feel that they aren’t getting adulthood all wrong.

I’ll always look at a single phase now as empowering and a chance to reconnect with myself. I refuse to ever let being single be something I avoid so much so that it keeps me in a bad relationship. Dating isn’t something I’ll do as a way to feel like I’m ‘on the path to success’. It’ll be for someone I want, not need, and trust me, there’s a difference.

I’m not just single, still single or ‘Oh what a shame she’s single’

I am single. Nothing more, nothing less.

I refuse to let our culture of romanticizing relationships and idealising love get in the way of me embracing how valuable a single phase of life is for one moment longer, whether society gets on board with that or not. I’ll no longer allow shame to dull my single experience. Because my relationship status, is really not the most interesting thing about me.

What’s your take on single stigma?