‘The swerve‘ is a term coined by New York writer Rachel Syme, when on the morning of her 36th birthday she took to Twitter to share her thoughts. “It’s a time of lurches and swerves”, she said, as the mid-30s ‘must do’ list loomed not as distantly as it had once before. “Feels like so many big decisions and future plans have to be squeezed into this lil window; just me?”
No, Rachel, it isn’t just you. The mid-30s crisis is totally a thing, but I like the way you say it better.
Rachel’s post generated a sea of responses from other people going through the same thing. Without realising it, she’d voiced an opinion many of us share.
BIG 30s Decisions
Isn’t it strange how we reach a certain point in life and all of a sudden there seems no room for mistakes?
Whilst the 20s seemed designed for having fun, enjoying a decade of fucking up, good times and testing out life. Where none of it mattered much and errors were inevitable. Nobody looks to you for answers just yet or at least don’t seem to mind that you have none. The 30s carry a different vibe altogether.
The 30s come attached with a heavy weight. A sudden sense that big, irreversible, scary decisions that will affect the rest of your life need to happen, pronto! Calling it a crisis sounds a tad dramatic and yet not having the answers to all those now looming decisions feels as if that’s an inevitable crisis in itself.
Whether to have children, settle in a relationship, get married, find the dream job (if you’re not already in it). Get a mortgage or at least find a way to be more comfortable financially. The list is endless. And suddenly every choice feels infinitely more pressured than it had just a few years before. Because the mid-30s especially, signify it is time you got all your shit in order.
Life can sometimes feel like a race to obtain everything. Which is why it can be disheartening to reach your 30s only to realise that you’re lagging behind the rest of the runners, battling shin splints, clutching a stitch and wondering how you ever got so unfit.
— Amy Roullier
I’m not sure where all this angst comes from
And what’s worse is when you haven’t figured anything out, life took you down an unexpected path or you just don’t know which way to turn at the crossroads. Take me for example, I thought I’d reach my mid-30s ship shape. After all only a decade previously I’d been married and I’d assumed kids might one day be on the cards, that would have been most of life’s to do list ticked off.
However, by my mid-30s I was divorced, childless, failing hard at finding anyone special to share my life with, still completely clueless as to what I wanted to do with my life other than what I was doing and a sense of impending doom loomed darkly at not having figured anything out yet.
Surely I can’t be still figuring things out when so many of my peers seem to have a handle on life?
Comparison isn’t something that helps in these situations, but we’re only human, hey. Plus it’s so easy to look at other people settling into the rhythm of their own lives and believing we’re getting it wrong when we aren’t where others are. That pressure in your 30s to have achieved can be overwhelming. And if a clear pathway hasn’t materialised for you yet, you are probably going to end up experiencing a mid-30s crisis or ‘The Swerve’ like I did.
The discussion that Rachel Syme sparked online highlighted how many people experience a mid-30s crisis
Which means the good thing is that if you are feeling this way you are not alone. In fact, we’re all in good company. And it might surprise you to know that there is a big difference between what we think we should be doing in our 30s versus what we are doing.
Studies suggest the norm now is not to marry in our 30s. The number of women marrying has dropped below 50%, and the number of people living alone is increasing. Despite partnership and marriage feeling like the acceptable well trodden route to go down, fewer people are getting hitched or looking to marry.
Did you know that the average person changes their career up to seven times? So whilst it feels like perhaps the wrong time to be switching careers, chances are you’ll try something else well into your 30s and beyond.
In 2018 one in four adults aged 20 to 34 years were living with their parents and over a third of people don’t want to have children. So this pressure pot of ‘must do this, must do that, must marry, have kids, own our own homes’ etcetera, doesn’t need to exist at all. Thankfully now more than ever, times are changing. Which means we don’t need to have achieved all things in our 30s, or even know what it is we want to achieve.
Tackling the mid-30s crisis
It was a comforting reality to read so much information that suggested I was the norm and not a minority in going against those perceived ideals. Especially as my 30s had begun with a change of location, career and relationship status. I had moved back in with my mother whilst navigating a divorce and was getting my head around the loss of a future I’d envisaged as a certain and so I couldn’t have been further from figuring out my life or having any level of shit in order by my mid-30s.
However, it seems most of us are in the same boat even if we haven’t crossed the same ocean.
I think it’s unrealistic to think we can set an age limit to achieve certain things by
And when we do attempt just that it can lead to feelings of pressure, anxiety, failure and sadness at not achieving in the way we’d hoped. Your life is unique and so your path is going to be unique too. Very rarely is anything going to go the way you expected and it’s pretty much guaranteed that you’ll hit a few bumps along way. Which is why as much as ‘the swerve’ exists and tries its best to convince you that you’re doing a thing or two wrong, there really is no wrong.
Okay so maybe we can all be a little guilty of clocking up items on life’s ‘to do’ list to achieve, whilst simultaneously wanting to accomplish everything and be fantastic at all things once we get there. But realistically it’s tough to meet such fantastical ideals, and much much harder when we place an age timer to fulfil all of those aspirations by.
Ditch the pressure of feeling that you need to achieve certain goals or milestones by your mid-30s, or in fact at any stage
Don’t compare yourself to others as everyone’s journey is different, yours included. Remember that none of us need to fit a ‘norm’ because normal is whatever we decide it is. And there is nothing wrong with taking time to create a life that you’re going to be happy with, even if that means making some grandiose changes midway through.
Live and exist for the moment because anything can happen. The past is gone and the future isn’t here yet. Now, is the only time that really matters.
Age really is just a number
I faced ‘The Swerve’ in my early 30s, but what about now at 37?
Perhaps I’ve become more comfortable in my 30s being less about the assumed ‘figured it all out’ and a little more accepting that my 30s for me have been a continuation of my 20s; messing up, having fun, figuring it all out, testing out life. Just with a little more wisdom on board for the journey now.
Possibly it’s just that, that causes the mid-30s crisis in the first place. The unexpectedness of what those 30s actually are when we get there. 30s expectations versus 30s reality. Because whilst we thought that all the uncertainty we had in our 20s would be far behind us now, many are still there in your 30s, accompanied by a nagging feeling that you should be a few more steps ahead than you are.
Life often never ends up how any of us envisioned it would be and that really is okay.
Fearlessness is like a muscle. I know from my own life that the more I exercise it the more natural it becomes to not let my fears run me.“
— Arianna Huffington, Author
Are you tackling a mid-30s crisis? What have you done to help remove the pressure and accept life on your terms? I’d love to know!
Amy Roullier
Amy Roullier is a British writer and author of Silent Reflections of a Fragile Heart. For her, writing began as personal therapy and has evolved into a way to connect with others, posing questions and offering reflections that might help readers find clarity. Based in Lincolnshire, Amy is an occasional vegetarian and a dedicated lover of carbs—her true soulmate. She’s currently navigating a mid-life crisis through running, and mornings are simply impossible without coffee.
