Recently I read an article from Annie Mac on the ‘insidious nature of WhatsApp’ as she describes it, and how it’s likely the cause of her feelings of disconnection from her friends and family.
She wrote, “In that creeping, insidious way that tech has of influencing our behaviour, WhatsApp has become all-consuming. When it first arrived, I didn’t have a burning desire to replace my real-time phone conversations with texted chats. I didn’t feel as though I was spending too much time on the phone speaking to my friends. I miss those conversations now.”
I felt her article.
Personally, I’ve had a love / hate relationship with all things digital for a while now
I love that I can check in with people instantly, and that it leaves the door open for them to respond when they can. I love that it’s quick, easy and convenient to say, “Hi” even when you’re busy IRL. And for the people who live further away, it’s great that I can stay in touch via a simple text or video call.
The growing hate however, comes from this feeling that it’s not truly connecting with people. Despite the continuous conversations going on. More and more, digital connectivity feels more obviously disconnecting rather than connecting.
I make less time to see people in person. Because I can casually throw them a message and do without the rigmarole of arranging a get together. I return a message whilst watching the TV, half distracted, as my digital conversation happens whilst my mind is also elsewhere. I’m not fully with them, not fully present, not fully engaged with the conversation.
The Modern Age Of Online dating
Online dating kind of instigated my dislike for digital communication. The longer I dated online, the more obvious the disconnectedness became. Because it’s so hard to actually connect with people over a message. No one really remembers much from those texted conversations. You repeat and repeat and repeat until you feel like no-one is really listening anyway. Someone throws across a few words but rarely do they feel truly invested in the communication. There are zero nonverbal cues which doesn’t help, and leads to a lot of miscommunication. And you can’t be really vulnerable or let your guard down in a way that feels authentic or truly meaningful when its protected via that digital space.
Sure, I learn about what someone’s been up to here and there, they might tell me a bit about who they are and how they feel, but I don’t think they or I are getting one another’s full attention in that moment. Nor can you have those really in-depth conversations that lead to feeling a true connection to someone, at least not in the way you would face to face. It’s disconnected connection. A fake version of communication. And the more I online dated, the more obviously phony each conversation became.
And then March 2020 happened
March 2020, where everyone found themselves with zero plans, no nights out, barely a social engagement in the calendar. Where WhatsApp, Zoom calls, and virtual communication became the norm. But since then, I don’t seem to have bounced back yet. I’ve been a little stuck in a reclusive habit, still so reliant on digital communication.
But my reliance on WhatsApp, social media, and mostly digital to stay in touch with people, it does now feel detrimental to my mental and emotional state. I feel further away from people than ever before. Nobody gets authentic me and I’m not getting their full picture. It’s not how I want my relationships to be, half-hearted or disconnected. I care about my people and I want them to know this, first hand. So I want to try and do things differently for 2023.
A 2017 study into WhatsApp says’, ‘Even though profound communication is possible, one might consider that less can actually be more,’ and that interacting with technology does impact on wellbeing.
Less is more they say, so I’m going to try to put the phone down when I’m with people in real life. I’ve been trying this one for a while now actually, and it feels good. I mean I wouldn’t interrupt a phone call to accept another call. Or ask someone I’m with to wait a minute so I can call someone else and finish a conversation, so why message or look at my phone when I’m actually with people? Plus, I realized that I was actually sending a hidden message to the person I was with, that they weren’t worthy of my full attention.
I’m going to attempt more two way conversations in real time
That’s right, the good old fashioned phone call! So if your phone starts buzzing, no I haven’t broken my leg, I’m not in some kind of life or death emergency (I hope) I’m just looking to catch up and rely less on a message to communicate with the people in my life in 2023.
And if you’re feeling all weird about it, and sat there thinking, ‘I don’t want a call’ that’s possibly because it turns out we’re all avoiding phone calls and in person communication.
I want more face to face conversations
I want to get rid of the digital barrier that gives me that false feeling of connectiveness whilst also constantly making me feel totally disconnected, and get more real. I want that convo to get deep. Because whilst texting gives me a sense of control, perhaps as you don’t have to really let your guard down, nor be vulnerable with people. It feels like it’s less truth, more hidden behind closed doors (or a message). And vulnerability matters. Getting deep, personal and really talking to people, matters. So I’m full on battling my recent recluse style avoidance of in person meets, and I’m going to make more time and effort to see people in the flesh.
I love that energy you feel when you’ve spent some good time with great friends
That buzz when you’ve shared a memorable experience. That emotional happiness you get filled up with when you’ve had in person conversations. The understanding you take away when you’ve discussed and shared all manner of things. Feeling like my people know what’s going on with me, and via versa. Being able to really lift them up whenever there’s a rocky patch. Or cheer them on in person when there’s something to celebrate.
I won’t ditch WhatsApp forever more, but I’m going to keep reminding myself that it isn’t good to use WhatsApp as a replacement for in-person, soul-nourishing conversations. And IRL feels like something healthy to challenge myself for more of in 2023.
Are you feeling disconnected from people? How are you doing conversations differently in 2023?
Amy Roullier
Amy Roullier is a British writer and author of Silent Reflections of a Fragile Heart. For her, writing began as personal therapy and has evolved into a way to connect with others, posing questions and offering reflections that might help readers find clarity. Based in Lincolnshire, Amy is an occasional vegetarian and a dedicated lover of carbs—her true soulmate. She’s currently navigating a mid-life crisis through running, and mornings are simply impossible without coffee.
