I mean categorically, yes. That wasn’t a trick question.
For anyone who’s spent any length of time in the world of online dating I know you’ll agree, it’s utter shit. I thought upgrading to digital was supposed to make life easier? But when it comes to online dating, it’s added a whole load of extra. And that extra is exhausting as fuck, self-depleting, terrible for any kind of self-worth, and totally lacking in connection despite all the technological ‘connectedness’.
It’s in part why I took a total time out of online dating. Which is a bit disappointing, considering it really is so hard to meet people in real life nowadays. But the alternative was a plethora of quantity and a bucket load of low quality. Ghosting, mosting, catfishing, blocking, half-hearted, still married, situationships (and that really is just a few off the top of my head). And the people who tell you its all okay, because Aunt Rita’s second cousins friend met the love of her life online, so there’s still hope!
They’re wrong. Unfortunately, that’s a rare exception, and not a growing rule.
‘Look, there are so many people to choose from,’ the apps imply
Has this lead to a culture of disposability by having so much choice? We can pick up, use, play around with for a bit, casually date, and then onto the next when we’re done. I know, Aunt Rita’s blah blah blah. But seriously, exception not rule!
The quantity issue doesn’t just appear to make people treat others like objects that can be returned after a 14 day free trial, but they don’t seem to value the item they’ve chosen, because all they’re thinking about is the upgrade that’s waiting for them down the line. How can you be expected to choose just one, when so many are out there ready to be chosen? Online dating has extremely heightened FOMO on someone better.
Throwaway, disposability, choice after choice, option after option. It all seems to have led to disrespect
I’ve had a one night stand where a man began to choke me around ten minutes into sex, we were barely on first name terms, but apparently sexual asphyxiation was okay to jump straight into. I’ve hooked up, only for them to block me the next morning (I mean seriously, just say thanks for a great night and have a good life, it’s called politeness. Which feels like a nice departure when you’ve chosen to spend some time getting acquainted with my vagina).
There have been people who’ve ghosted without any explanation (Radio silence is not the one. Look, if I’m having the same conversations again and again, everyone must be. So at least give me some feedback, say ‘Nice to get to you know but I’ve found someone else/moved to Spain/aren’t feeling it/You’re crazy AF’).
All in all, I’ve felt more a disposable object than a person with genuine feelings, and it’s rare I’ve met anyone who was looking for more than some cheap thrills and the opportunity to enact out a real life 50 Shades of Grey scene.
There feels an unwillingness to commit to anyone, and cheating is bloody rife. Oh I won’t bore you with all my dating experiences, because if you’re currently dating online, well, you know it all first-hand. But hopefully my point is clear. Disrespect in all its forms is a frequent and a not so nice little experience of dating today.
We’re lost in this sea of online dating choice, and never sure if what we find is enough. Because surely, there’s something better?
Sounds pretty terrible to say that out loud, right? Well imagine being the one discarded time and time again. Now that’s pretty awful for your self-love vibes and feeling any kind of self-worth. If you’re anything like me, even in my thirties with a pretty thick skin and a strong independent nature, I got sucked into the whole ‘Maybe I’m not enough, but if just one of these bastards chooses me, that means I am’ mindset. So then you start chasing after the many options, hoping to be picked by anyone, desperate to be loved by just someone. And that’s how you fall into the ‘seeking validation from someone else’ trap. To avoid repeated rejection. Because even virtually, rejection feels naff.
Or you go entirely the other way (Ahem, like I did) and reject modern dating completely and decide that self-dating is the new way forward. I mean it was, I needed to sort some shit out, but that’s another blog for a different time.
Everyone catfishes everyone, it’s fact. But also, why wouldn’t they?
One of the things people get aggravated about the most as a dating pain point, is cat fishing. But hardly any pictures I see online haven’t been filtered in some way.
We all want to look our best and phones allow us to amend the image with just a click of a button. So when you’re up against a shit load of swipe options versus you, it makes sense to upgrade the pic. It’s just good marketing strategy people. So you do, and then you’re left wondering how your date looks so god damn different to their profile, and sat there in anxious mode wondering how you’re measuring up to your own images. Anxiety is rife, I can tell you. And it leads to a real uncomfortableness about your own body and looks.
I could say I had a gift for attracting the wrong type of person. But the truth is, those online dating profiles give you pretty much zilch to go off
Plus if the images they do display are filtered, what the hell is real about them? You can’t exactly make wise choices with a 0.001% piece of information to go off and a fake image before heading into message territory.
I didn’t have a gift for attracting the wrong person, I just never had a chance to make wise choices with such limited data to hand. And they couldn’t make an accurate choice of me either. So basically, we are just hoping for the best from that swipe. The next step is either full on interview territory or a half arsed attempt at some preliminary messaging before getting bored.
Instant gratification is an expectation today
A study of online daters found that only 1.4% of dating app conversations lead to something more, and FYI that something wasn’t an in person meet, it was just getting to exchanging phone number territory. It also revealed that almost half of those preliminary messages were never responded too. And I think this is a lot to do with the lack of information in the first place, meaning the swipe isn’t given much more than a few seconds thought, and so everything rests on that now incredibly important and pressured first intro.
Plus, maybe people want instant connection, definite good vibes, time and attention, sparks aplenty, banter galore, like, immediately? Grab my attention in two seconds flat, or don’t bother at all? I mean, I was guilty of this. But after nearly six years of online dating, I honestly was so exhausted from it all that I didn’t have any patience left in me. But is any of that really possible with online dating anyway?
There are such high expectations to meet, and there are so many obstacles to overcome. With little to no background information on someone’s character, and a hell of a lot of importance placed on a few texts. Plus that need to be gratified as quickly as possible. Be what I’m looking for, or get out my DMs, quick sharp. Because time and energy are limited, and so become less and less aplenty as the years of online dating roll on. Your patience wears thinner, everything feels more and more superficial, and then you’re just opening the app feeling totally deflated and almost expecting people to let you down before they’ve even sent a, ‘How RU?’.
Online dating is so much STRESS. Like seriously, it’s almost a part time job
I mean I started off having just one chat with one person, but quickly got caught up in the whole ‘If you can’t beat em, join em’ mentality. Conversation after conversation. You know, better my odds and all that. Because you feel it’s a must in order to root some quality out of all that quantity. But it takes a hell of a lot of mental energy to keep multiple chats going at once. It’s quite overwhelming actually.
And yet nothing feels authentic or connected from it. Understandably so. I mean how could I build a connection if I was chatting to four people at once, and they’re chatting to four people. And on and on it goes. With no-one paying any real attention to anyone. Wasting entire evenings of my life with people who rarely had any intention of meeting IRL, leading to more feelings of stress, anxiety, confusion and just general disappointment.
Something needs to change about online dating and these online dating apps
This wasn’t just a ranty blog about how utterly crap it all is and some of the dating problems out there. Because I have a solution to the online dating problems. Online dating feels less like the answer, and more like the thing to avoid in order to find anything romantically meaningful.
So, my solution? Don’t do it.
The game itself can’t be changed. It’s too far gone, corrupt and fucked up
No one can make online dating better. Because online dating will always be worse than meeting someone in real life. It might feel like it’s the only answer (because we are in an era where it is harder to meet people in real life) But it’s certainly not impossible. And online dating hasn’t so far, actually offered many decent options as an alternative for me.
So if you’re feeling tired, exhausted, frustrated and just full on fucking over online dating. Stop doing it. Honestly, delete the apps. The peace I felt once I ended that relationship with those dating sites, was unreal. Sure, I’d have to look into some alternative ways to date. However there wasn’t much wrong with the way we used to do it. Like back in my 20s. When I saw a person I liked, caught some feels, went on some dates, and naturally discovered whether it had legs.
No evenings of wasted time on messages only to be ghosted without reason
No asking to see my tits before the barman pulls us a drink. They didn’t say yes to spending some time dating when they couldn’t give a fuck about wanting to know more about me. There wasn’t cat fishing, because I’d already taken a good look at them before deciding if I liked their face. Back then it felt real. And I think we’re over the fake, shitty environment these dating apps are responsible for. Let’s not pay a penny more to an industry that is making us unhappier, more stressed, and slowly depleting our self-worth with every swipe.
Online dating has become an untamed beast that is absolutely not a place that feels good, in any way
You don’t come out of it feeling better about your single status. A relationship, feels further out of reach than it ever has once you’ve spent a bit of time in that online dating world. It exacerbates emotional unavailability. Makes people treat others as if they are disposable, reject-able, ‘non real’ entities that require no decent treatment or respect. It creates a perfect environment for mistreatment. Sends your mental health into a fucking spiral. Tears down your self-worth. Never guarantees a relationship at the end, but does guarantee you a shit load of problems you didn’t want or need.
What’s your take on online dating? Do you think it needs solutions, or pretty great as it is? (Aunt Rita’s second cousins friend, you are not permitted to comment). What dating problems have I missed?
Amy Roullier
Amy Roullier is a British writer and author of Silent Reflections of a Fragile Heart. For her, writing began as personal therapy and has evolved into a way to connect with others, posing questions and offering reflections that might help readers find clarity. Based in Lincolnshire, Amy is an occasional vegetarian and a dedicated lover of carbs—her true soulmate. She’s currently navigating a mid-life crisis through running, and mornings are simply impossible without coffee.
