Are you putting your partner and your relationship, ahead of you?
I used to be that person who put my partner on a pedestal and prioritised my relationship above all other things. Their interests, their hobbies, their wants and needs consistently came before my own. Basically, I regularly backbenched myself.
Why? Because that’s the way I thought I was supposed to do it.
But I would come to a point where I felt lost. As if I were moving further and further away from myself. The distance between how I was living, and who I wanted to be became infinity far from one another. Then I’d become unhappy in the relationship, bitter and resentful even. And somewhat ironically, I’d take that unhappiness out on the person I was in a relationship with.
Was it their fault? No, not really. Only I could hold myself accountable for putting them at the top of my priorities leading to me, feeling a bit shitty.
I’ve thought a lot about why I used to do this. Here are my musings.
Exploring self-priority gets a bad rep, especially for women
Women are conditioned from an early age to be kind, gentle, amiable, apologetic, understanding, empathetic and agreeable. To think of others first and themselves last. And so self-priority represents an aversion to what a woman should be, as it goes against the expected caretaker role they have been allocated.
Forever nurturing, always caring about what they can do for others to make their lives easier, rarely ever a focus on prioritising themselves. Therefore self-priority jars awkwardly against the perception of womanhood, and has deeply affected how I’ve acted within prior relationships.
Self-priority comes with tags. Selfish, too self-minded, too self-focused, uncompassionate to others. Difficult, hard work, troublesome. I could go on … And I suppose it does sound quite selfish doesn’t it, to suggest that I put myself before someone else. That even when in a loving relationship, that I should be front and centre for me.
Maybe it is. But also maybe selfish isn’t the bad guy here. Perhaps the villain, is the idea I held onto that it was okay to lose myself in the process of obtaining and keeping another. That it was acceptable to put myself last and hold my loved one in first place no matter the personal costs.
All in the interests of pleasing someone else, there feels an expectation that woman should adapt themselves
It’s consistently repeated throughout our lives, making sure the message firmly hits home. We, must be better and do better for them. Their needs, come before ours. Adapt, tone down, accommodate, compromise, even if you are compromising yourself.
This was reaffirmed to me when I was single and dating in my thirties, as I regularly came across articles online that suggested that I, as the female counterpart, should and could do more to be more of an attractive offering to a prospective mate. Whether it was ensuring I asked them questions so they felt listened too and supported, showing deep interest in their hobbies, smiling more, maintaining a pleasant persona at all times, keeping my body in its best shape, the list was not exhaustive, but the general theme, always the same.
Put them first and you will not only attract them, but it’s how you will keep them, and why they will like you
Now I bought into all that bollox. I was a total chameleon dater, and all my previous relationships were acted out dutifully as a woman keen to adapt herself to whoever I was in a relationship with. But each and every time I ended up in relationships that drained and exhausted me, both mentally and emotionally.
The loss of myself, was something I couldn’t have described to you back then, or even recognised as something that was happening as it was merely a general feeling that something was very amiss. Now, I realise that that something, was a missing dose of healthy self-priority.
Self-Priority isn’t being difficult, never compromising or refusing to ever consider a partner or relationship
Although self-priority is so highly linked to selfishness that it seems to suggest this is so.
A friend commented recently that I must be really difficult to be with, how delightful.
I’d spoken about needing some time to myself, so I had declined a meet with my boyfriend that night. How I wanted to go away with a friend and so I did. That my writing is so important to me that sometimes, I’ll replace a meet with time I can allocate to creating a blog. These simple acts of creating a boundary and making sure my regular annual trip with a friend didn’t stop, and putting my passions high on my personal agenda, suggested to them a ‘difficult’ nature.
I don’t doubt, that in some ways I can be. But these acts are not a reflection of a difficult nature. As to me they signify a much needed confidence in myself and what I require to remain a happy persona, to create a person who is actually enjoyable to spend time with. If I didn’t pursue a passion or dream, then I’d fall quickly into a cantankerous state that would be no good for anyone who knows me. It also shows how much I value other much needed connections, and that my community isn’t now irrelevant just because I have one member in the form of ‘boyfriend’.
Just because how I do things might be considered un-normal, does that make it true?
I don’t disregard a persons feelings or needs completely. My partner doesn’t handle distress alone, and I’m not unwilling to compromise and put their needs ahead of my own at times. Compromise, is a part of any relationship. I’m just unwilling for that compromise to consistently come at the expense of myself. So I’m no longer doing it like I used too, where it swayed to always putting them before me.
Therefore I’d argue that is it not actually un-normal to make someone else’s aspirations, dreams, hobbies and lifestyle completely our own? Is it not un-normal to say No to ourselves, whilst saying Yes constantly to someone else? Or is it not un-normal to become so entwined with a person that we lose sight of where we end and they begin? Is that really what love should look like, or does that sway into co-dependency, toxic attachment styles and even a little self-betrayal?
I’m sure I’m not the only one who has been through this experience of losing themselves when entering into a relationship
Although perhaps there are few who did it so expertly as I. But that’s exactly how I ended up unhappy in my relationships as I glorified self-sacrifice in the name of ‘love’. What mattered to me, mattered less than what mattered to my partner. What they wanted or needed, always came first. I didn’t have the best relationship with myself, and so I sought worth and acceptance from my relationships. Which led me to prioritise their needs and happiness as more important than my own. They became my source of happiness, too. Which also affected my levels of unhappiness if they weren’t feeling great.
I’d often sacrifice my own mental health and wellbeing in order to fix/save/help the relationship
I’d feel unable to express my own needs or desires as they didn’t conform to what the other person wanted. I lived in this perpetual state of wanting to make my partner happy, even at the expense of making myself unhappy. Which is bound to happen when one partner takes on a care-taker role for maintaining the happiness of both, putting their needs behind their partners, sacrificing themselves at times to keep the relationship afloat, and this can be a sign of co-dependency.
I admit, that definition seems to conceptualise my prior reality. Although if we have very limited boundaries or none at all, we can’t maintain any balance in our lives and it can slowly leave us feeling unfulfilled and miserable.
“The person who betrays themselves for the needs of their partner will never feel fulfilled. The best way to avoid becoming co-dependent is to have a strong sense of self. Practicing putting yourself first gets easier over time. It is the best way to avoid slipping into a co-dependent state.” By Best Self.
If I didn’t treat myself as worthy, then I would never find self-worth
If I didn’t treat myself as worthy of time and attention, how else would I lower my standards, boundaries, hopes and dreams, to accommodate theirs? But if I got fully into the answer to that question, you’d be here for days. So I’ll summarise like this.
If I didn’t start treating myself as worthy, then I would never find self-worth. I’d continue to stay in relationships I should leave far sooner, for so many reasons. I would keep committing to situations that did not make me happy in any way, but that made them feel good, and seeing that as how a healthy relationship should be carried out.
My aspirations, my passions and hobbies, would keep being slowly lost as I so heavily focused my time and attention on pleasing them. My self-worth, would continue to be heavily attached to how my partner perceived me. And because of that I’d keep exhausting myself, emotionally and mentally, carrying the responsibility of pleasing them and in making sure that they were happy, that they were getting what they needed at all times.
Self-priority isn’t just important, it’s fundamental to wellbeing
For me self-priority has become mandatory, because it’s powerful and necessary to ensure that the connection you have with yourself is a constant priority, when single or otherwise. To check in with me, my thoughts and feelings, regularly. If I am not feeling happy, to find ways to be happier. If I am not feeling connected to myself, to put into action things that would strengthen that bond. To prioritise myself. And in doing so, not lose that connection from myself and increase my self-worth.
Self-priority was something I learned a lot about after committing to single for a time, yet it’s also something I’ve held onto in relationships since. Because it isn’t selfish. It allows me to be a better person and therefore a better partner. It ensures that I practice regularly checking in with my own desires and needs outside of my relationship, and this is entirely healthy. I’d argue that it helps any relationship become stronger, in fact, when you prioritise being the best version of you, and are separately able to be happy with yourself and also create your own happiness, which allows you to provide your partner with that best version of you.
I offer you this piece of self-learned wisdom if you’re relating to any of this blog
Look after you, because you are the most important person in your life. If you aren’t prioritising yourself, you’re subliminally sending out a vibe that no one else has to pay much attention to you or your needs either. You are also subliminally sending that same message to yourself, and that shit eats away at you.
Self-priority isn’t selfish. It’s a positive action that creates a connection to self and leads to self-awareness and a happier state of mind. If you are not nurturing being the best version of you by knowing and practising the mantra of ‘I matter’, then you can’t be the best person for anyone else either.
Consider it the same as if the oxygen masks dropped on a flight. It’s you first, then you can take care of everyone else. That’s pretty much a metaphor for how I do relationships now.
Amy Roullier
Amy Roullier is a British writer and author of Silent Reflections of a Fragile Heart. For her, writing began as personal therapy and has evolved into a way to connect with others, posing questions and offering reflections that might help readers find clarity. Based in Lincolnshire, Amy is an occasional vegetarian and a dedicated lover of carbs—her true soulmate. She’s currently navigating a mid-life crisis through running, and mornings are simply impossible without coffee.
