Social Media: Are we really able to achieve connection in the way we hope for?

People need connection. People want to be included, to be liked, to feel part of a community. Connected with others, validated in their actions, life choices and who they are. But in this day and age of social media and the internet, are we really able to achieve connection in the way we hope for and need?

I’ve been wondering about this very topic a lot lately. If you’ve read any of my other blogs, you’ll know I have as complicated a relationship with social media as I believe anyone does. I’m aware it’s not very good for me, whilst equally being unable to stop spending hours scrolling. Maybe it’s FOMO? Perhaps it’s simple boredom? Or is it that the biggest draw to social media, is that it feels like connection, something we fundamentally need as human beings?

If so, why can’t I shake the feeling that something feels really off

If its connection on a wider scale, if it’s more of the things we want and need, shouldn’t it feel more comforting than it does? Shouldn’t I feel uplifted and happier each time I spend a little time there? When the opposite in fact, is very true.

Perhaps in part, the connections aspect feels tainted with the ever increasing desire to portray the best snapshots of my life. Creating witty, well considered and thought out captions to go along with my Insta beautiful snaps. Ditching any photo or video that doesn’t feel totally on point and effectively airbrushing my life online.

I’m not sure where that pressure came from or why I feel the need to create something perfect online. Nor how I’ve come to rely on an online world for my confirmation of what everyone’s lives are about, when it feels so knowingly manufactured and yet so envy worthy to the point where it’s more often a negative space for me to rummage through, than a positive one.

Maybe the way we share is where one of the issues lies in feeling a lack of connection on social media?

If I’m not sharing all my feelings, if my posts are polished to perfection, filtered and carefully thought out. A hint of truth in there, mostly created for an envy worthy response. Devoid of the whole picture, but chocked full of the really nice aspects. What type of connections am I actually building?

When social media first launched (I’m that old that I remember it) People used to post whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted to. It felt fun and it used to feel more real. To hell with whether my hair was perfect or not. Fuck whether that photo was flattering or just representative of a good night had. Back than I didn’t spend hours creating a reel with accompanying caption, that in reality, only ten people are going to see. And yet now I do this.

As much as I hate to admit it, I really think about what I’m going to say now and the story I’m going to tell people. So much time wasted to the dedication of the cause: creating something that a few people are going to like online.

Am I seeking validation?

I don’t think I can argue that I’m not. Although, it sounds shit to say that’s why I’m likely doing it. But the thing is, what else would there be to gain?

Likes are what I’m after. And those likes are social media’s expression of confirmation, affirmation and I am OKAY. Hurrah! Trouble is, those good vibes only last a few minutes, until you remember that none of it is really ‘real’. 

Steven Hopper said it best in his article, ‘What Happens When We Stop Seeking Validation on Social Media’.

“Due to the increasing connectedness of the world, we’re not only starving for recognition in person, but our biggest happiness and satisfaction now lie in how many followers we have and how many “likes” we get.”

He goes on to state that social media has become an opportunity to showcase ourselves in the very best light, in order to feel validated. And when I read it, it hit me hard, because it appears a vicious cycle with no end. A modern day irony that we are more connected via technology nowadays and yet less so connected in real life with one another.

And so then we might use social media more to seek the connectedness we’re lacking in real life. Portray our best selves online in order to widen the opportunity for likes, acceptance and therefore validation, which converts into ‘We’re doing okay’ which sends us the message that we are connected with people as they like what we’re up too. And yet the connectivity we deep down needed is never achieved. So we repeat, and repeat and repeat. Breathing in the drug and never quite hitting the high.

And then comes the shitty feelings. Where deep down I recognise that what I’m trying to gain from social media, doesn’t count emotionally or mentally half as much as it would in real life

Nowadays there is less contact with people in real life, and so social media more and more becomes the seemingly easier way to gain a quick boost of the connections lacking IRL, whilst ignoring that feeling that it never fucking works.

But technology is good, right?

Every post tells a story, and so we might consider each post in detail as it directly contributes to how we are perceived, which leads to using social media more and more so we feel more seen. An ever growing online community sounds great, more and more people to like us and for us to like back. More people to know, to connect with, to talk to. But it isn’t really talking. It isn’t really connection. It isn’t even really being seen. It’s a form of instant gratification at the point of post, and a slow destruction of your soul as we all become fixated on creating prettier and prettier online content. And ironically, we are less seen as people than we’ve ever been before this time, because nothing on social media is actually real.

I want off this ride, it isn’t fun anymore

But social media is an addictive little bastard. Despite a few sporadic digital detox’s, I still haven’t managed to detox for more than 24 hours or say goodbye to my socials completely. I convince myself that I need it for work, that I need it be visible and known. So many times I’ve hovered over the ‘delete profile’ button and yet cannot muster the strength to hit delete.

Ironically, I actually do need social media to promote this blog and the books I’m writing, as sending messages via carrier pigeon is messy, expensive, and likely to reach an even smaller audience than my very few current followers. I really do have no other choice than to use social media as a promotional tool for self-promotion, and yet I also dislike that I’m tied to it. That no matter how much I feel it’s bad for me, I can’t get off the damn ride whether for need or want of it.

So what’s my miracle answer to this negative social media cycle of doom?

Reminding myself constantly that it is never going to be true connectedness. Reminding myself repeatedly that the best way to create connections with people is to get out there and meet them in person. Remembering first and foremost that social media is not real. We are merely guinea pigs for a pilot that’s going horrendously south for our collective mental health, self-esteem and wellbeing. And one day, someone might just do us all a favour and pull the goddamn plug.

If we really want connection, there is no better alternative than in person

Over the past year I’ve made a conscious effort to spend more time in person with friends and family. And whilst I didn’t spend as much as I’d have liked, spending a couple of hours with friends or family feels a damn sight better than a few hours doom scrolling on my phone that’s for sure.

But none of us are perfect. I still post on my personal social media accounts, and I know exactly why I’m doing it, especially when something inside me is sadly shaking their head and doing a faceplant at the why.

However, I keep in mind that when I’m spending time with friends or travelling somewhere cool, what’s more important is the present moment I’m enjoying. It’s not about capturing the moment in a way that takes fifteen minutes and uses up valuable time I could be talking or laughing with friends, nor lost time to enjoy a city because I’ve spent half of it posing for pictures for the grid. Those actions can even weaken the in person connectiveness, signifying that you’re still living online even when you’re right there with them.

I constantly remind myself that social media can be more harmful than helpful

I remind myself that most of what I’m seeing on my feed is a very human attempt to be connected to one another. And we are striving for this hard.

It might come across as showing off sometimes, and it might make me feel inadequate in the process. But what we are all really seeking is affirmation that we are part of a community and that we are accepted within it, and we are just doing this in the only way we know how – by showing the best of what we are. Put simply, we are searching for confirmation that we are doing okay in life.

It might tantamount to chasing validation, but that’s because validation is a very natural human desire

Ditch social media and we’ll still seek connectivity with people. We’ll still search to be included within a community whether it be friends, family or otherwise. We’ll still hope that people like us, and want to be liked. None of that changes.

But I think that makes the method we go about receiving it even more important to consider. I think reducing how much we rely on social media to provide it, can only be a good thing for us going forward. Because sure, social media feels like connection. But are we really able to achieve connection in the way we hope for? I don’t think so. Because it will never amount to the connection we really seek in our lives: Authentic, real, live and in person.