Six years ago, my job was predominantly social. I’d natter with total strangers, host presentations in front of hundreds of people and whilst never totally comfortable, I was pretty good at speaking in front of an audience. But for the past few years I’ve been working from home, and something has changed.
Recently, I stood in front of a handful of people with more watching online. I had nothing to do, nothing was to be said, simply a supporting role that required a smile and occasional nod of agreement. And yet for the minutes leading up to that moment, I quite literally thought my heart was going to explode from my chest.
I couldn’t control my breathing as I talked myself through the upcoming moment over and over. “Three steps forward, pass around that chair, don’t trip over the chair! Are they going to ask me to say something? Shit, I didn’t prepare anything! It’ll be fine. F*ck, is it going to be fine?”
An unreasonable panic set in, that I hadn’t experienced before
Looking back at pre-Covid Amy, she took a deep breath before she walked into an office full of strangers or went onto a stage to talk to an audience for half an hour. She could fake confidence so easily, keep herself calm and enjoyed speaking to people one on one or in larger circles. That person rarely suffered from any form of social aversion.
That version of me, seems world’s apart compared to current Amy, who freaks out at the thought of large crowds, experiences social anxiety and doesn’t quite remember how to interact and function normally with people live and in person anymore.
It’s quite a stark contrast and sometimes, I’m not entirely sure how I ended up here.
Although, I suspect the culprit is working from home full time for the past three years.
I used to get a bit nervous speaking in front of bigger groups
I worried what people thought sometimes, but I also cracked on and didn’t let it override my thoughts. I never got nervous at heading into my Head Office for the day. Nor felt awkward with direct eye contact. I didn’t stumble over words or become tense when trying to start new conversations, and I didn’t have trouble catching my breath in social gatherings.
Whilst I try to stay in the moment and not let my over analytical brain freeze, sometimes it just happens nowadays
This one is frustrating as hell but when asked a simple question, often I’ll draw a total blank even when I know I know the answer. However the fear of the situation causes some kind of brain malfunction. I’m lost in the panic of the moment, unable to form a rational thought.
One of the worst things about this social anxiety is that it overrides the sensible thoughts going on in my head. I’m distracted in social situations and not fully present, because I’m fighting with myself whilst trying to maintain a professional persona. People probably think I don’t care which is really untrue, there’s just a lot of noise in my head. It’s a lot to be honest and bloody exhausting at times too.
Combine that with the uncomfortableness I feel with holding eye contact, which I never had an issue with this pre-Covid, it must mean I come across as rude at times. Obviously that’s the last thing I’d want to portray in a work situation. But eye contact feels pressured and exposing. And so in an attempt to push out the thing I want to say (and possibly end the eye contact situation as quickly as possible) I can be quite direct, which has sometimes resulted in not coming across in the manner I’d like. But it feels like some form of survival amidst the chaos. My instincts tell me to prioritise personal survival over anything else.
Public speaking brings on a real sense of fear now
Whether virtually or in person, I now spend days beforehand worrying about it. Or go the opposite way of trying to ignore that it’s going to happen at all which never ends well, and results in all that subdued panic surfacing in the hour or two leading up to the event.
A predominantly working from home role I think has heightened my natural nervousness. Where I could once shake it off with a few minor internal conversations and not allow it to affect me much at all. Nowadays it takes a full on consultation and analysis with and of myself before I’m even marginally at, ‘at ease’.
But I had certainly never experienced a blind panic moment brought on from a social situation before
Nor suffered a panic attack until recently either. If you’ve ever been through this I know you’ll relate that it is scary AF. In the latter situation I felt faint, got really confused, seemed to lose my hearing, felt like I wasn’t totally in my body, became nauseous, felt really cold. I didn’t have a clue what the heck was going on. I didn’t even know what to call it until I told a friend and they pointed out that it sounded very much like a panic attack. Which was all brought on by a lovely surprise night away which once they informed me it would be a dinner with a large group of strangers, my brain lost the plot.
Of course I’m working on all of this as I appreciate that practice will help. I’m aware that getting out of my home office and putting myself in social situations more can surely only lead to it getting easier, both within and outside of work. But it’s difficult when people remember the old Amy and you’re trying desperately to get her back in the face of some internal challenges.
I wonder whether other people have these same struggles?
Whether it be due to roles changing to more working from home positions, or some kind of PTSD from a pandemic that isolated us from friends, family and colleagues for a long period of time. I wonder whether people feel the same as I do and don’t want to share them too openly for fear of being considered less as a colleague?
It’s not that I cannot do my job. It’s not that I don’t still do these things despite what I’m handling behind the scenes
There is simply a struggle going on inside my head – sometimes manifesting physically – that I’m fighting with whilst doing them. From a working perspective it can be tough. I try hard to be the person I used to be. Whilst continuing to battle with the person I seem to be now.
It’s also hard to know exactly what will set it off. Sometimes it catches me totally off guard like when I’m going to see people I know really well. How does that even make sense? There’s nothing to worry about and yet mentally I’m worrying. Makes no sense and yet it still happens.
I try and concentrate on my breathing when I feel panic set in. Question negative thoughts, are they really truth or am I being unfairly unkind to myself? I gradually introduce more anxiety inducing situations into my routine. Such as making sure I have regular in person social interactions in my diary.
I try to talk about it openly with people when I know I’m likely to act awkwardly. I find this helps to feel less pressure and shame if I were to act in an unusual way. But it’s also something I only share with people I trust. People who I know will treat what I’m disclosing with care and are unlikely to judge me.
Have you experienced social anxiety? Do you think that working from home has had an affect? Let me know in the comments.
Amy Roullier
Amy Roullier is a British writer and author of Silent Reflections of a Fragile Heart. For her, writing began as personal therapy and has evolved into a way to connect with others, posing questions and offering reflections that might help readers find clarity. Based in Lincolnshire, Amy is an occasional vegetarian and a dedicated lover of carbs—her true soulmate. She’s currently navigating a mid-life crisis through running, and mornings are simply impossible without coffee.
