From Surviving to Thriving: Embracing the Single Life

I wasn’t aware that I had such a deep rooted disagreeableness with being single until about four years ago. Aged thirty six, fresh out of yet another short lasting relationship and back into my seemingly inescapable interconnection with being single, the overwhelming disappointment of being single again hit me hard.

Wasn’t I supposed to be with someone by now? Who’d have thought nearly six years after my divorce that I’d still be dealing with terrible first dates, awkward getting to know one another conversations, should I/shouldn’t I conundrums, breakups and heartaches? Not me, that’s for sure.

And so once again, as a way to limit time spent as a singleton, I entered into a cycle of bad decision after bad decision, desperately dating on repeat.

I was, mid-thirties, single and not feeling the love for it at all

Ironically, I considered myself an independent woman who knew her own worth, didn’t care what people thought, brimmed with confidence and absolutely did not mind a phase of being single one bit. Sounds pretty damn inspiring, right? Shame it’s all bollocks.

I’ve often cited how much I didn’t mind being single, without ever committing to singledom in the same way that I’ve devoted myself to continuously being on the hunt for a relationship. I might have spent periods of time being single, but I did it whilst doing everything in my power not to be.

I convinced myself I was okay with being single

When the truth was quite the opposite. How could I be okay with it? Partnership is the true key to success and happiness, therefore I shouldn’t get too damn comfortable with being single. I should only be okay with being single as long as I was also doing everything I could to be with someone else in tandem.

I was obsessed with finding true love and adopted a chameleon dater approach with zero boundaries, because to set a standard meant less options, less choice, and I needed to better my odds of finding ‘The One’.

I repeatedly looked the other way when I saw red flags

Deep diving straight into unhealthy or toxic relationships, because being in any kind of relationship felt as if it would be way better than being single.

I didn’t know how to be on my own and alone felt like a very bad place to be, especially as the years took their toll. And I feared a 4EVA single situation, which if I could avoid that by any means possible, I would. And in fact, I did.

Which is how I lost countless hours swiping right and wondering why someone hadn’t messaged me back. Grew more frustrated and confused when a first date didn’t turn into another. If a casual fling didn’t manifest into true love, I felt compelled to date even harder. I lost myself in the quest of building something with someone I’d yet to meet. Settled for situations way longer than I should have, and tolerated shitty situations because I allowed them to set the boundaries as I had no healthy ones for myself.

As a result, my single misery grew as the years passed by. I felt single by choice. Single by their choice, not mine. And so my singledom became a burden that I couldn’t seem to get rid of and my self-worth hit at an all-time low.

I was Single Surviving

For so long I had been stuck in a desperate dating cycle that only appeared to be getting worse as deep down I feared the alternative, being single.

I can’t recall the exact details of the magical moment where a new mindset began to take hold, but after nearly seven years of trying my damned best to avoid being single, and just surviving it. I realised that my self-proclaimed single confidence apparently only manifested with the constant prospect of a new relationship on the horizon. Because that, in all honesty, is what got me through my single times.

Faced with the reality of how much I disliked being single, it was also the moment when I thought, ‘I don’t want my life to be like this anymore’

I didn’t want to hate my life just because I was unpartnered. I also didn’t want to not appreciate the right now moments, because I was always expecting the future to throw up something even more fabulous in the form of true love. My thirties were passing too quickly and if they were to be single, I wanted them to be the best bloody years a person could ask for. I didn’t want to be surviving my life any longer.

Although embracing single felt somewhat counterproductive to my long term hopes for finding someone. And I’d spent my entire life doing single in the only way I knew how, by surviving it. I also realised that I had to really get okay with being single and intentionally do it, in order to stop repeating the same patterns and expecting different results. I wanted to transform from single survive to single thrive.

Whether you are single right now or not, chances are at some point you will be

So let me share some things you might discover when you enter into the land of singledom, which make it that much harder to grasp onto some single thrive vibes.

There is a hell of a lot of stigma attached to a single status. And that stigma only seems to increase with age.

We’ve historically been taught that partnership is a win, so much so, that being single doesn’t feel as if it can be ‘The One.’

Connection and community are important to each and every one of us, a partner is considered the highest form of both of these things and therefore single appears to represent that we have no community and are without valuable connections in our life.

The word Single is married with Alone. Alone, interwoven with unwanted, sad, lonely and unchosen. I’ve watched the term alone be thrown at single people as if it’s a cursed fate to be unpartnered, especially later on in life.

Partnership is hailed as the ultimate form of happiness and worth. Without a partner, single people must therefore be unhappy and of no value. Because of this, often partnered people will do their best to ‘solve’ your single issue as they consider it something that needs to be fixed.

There is an undeniable negative narrative around being single, and these notions of single can deeply affect our perspective of being single

Take me for example, I had believed each and every one of them. That I must find a partner to be happier. I must seek romance to not be alone. Perhaps something is wrong with me because I am single? Being single is a time to endure and not a time to embrace or enjoy. And so I did anything I could to avoid being single and hated every second that I was riding solo. I desperately dated, accepted anyone who came my way, and repeated these cycles until I was frustrated and worn out.

I believed that single was a phase to escape or avoid and no value could be gained. Nothing but aloneness, unhappiness, and a deep sense of unworthiness could be experienced when single. Because of this I became stuck in the depths of single despair, doing my best to survive.

I was fed up of resisting my times of being single to the point that I couldn’t see any good within my single life.

I wanted better for me, and I want better for anyone who has ever felt as if they are merely surviving their single life.

Because whatever the reasons we are single, sometimes it’s not that we want to be single right now, yet perhaps single is exactly what we need. Single might just be the very thing that transforms us into something even better than what we are.

I want single people to feel empowered by their singledom, not discouraged and dismayed simply by being single. I want you to feel good whilst you are single. Because the single phases of our lives are so deeply important. Contrary to the negative messaging attached to being single, it should not feel like a time to race through via any means possible.

And whilst society will have you convinced that you’re unique in being single, you are not unique. In fact, millions of people are single right now. Single is not a minority group. However enjoying single, is a personal revolution.

For anyone who isn’t quite there with loving their single life, this is my personal message for both me and you that a single life can be redefined and reimagined

The single phases of our lives are so deeply important. So challenge the negative narratives we have been taught, and rewrite that narrative for yourself. Embrace the idea that single is something to cherish and enjoy, and not a thing to discard as merely wasted time awaiting something or someone. Consider that being single could be beneficial, whether you want that status right now or not.

Dismiss societal expectations that are outdated and serve no purpose other than to keep you on a certain path that works for modern culture, but not necessarily for you individually. The myth surrounding single is so believable that I’d urge anyone feeling shitty about being single to question where those feelings stem from, and whether in fact they are truth? Question why you feel bad about being single. What makes you uncomfortable and what has lead you to believing that single is a time to escape and avoid?

I connected my single time with so much negativity, but when I began to question what single had been for me, I realised there was so much to celebrate. Time with friends and family, ability to travel at short notice. No pressure to live my life in a certain way or compromise how I wanted to live. At a moment’s notice I could spend my Saturday morning in a coffee shop reading a book, take a trip to the countryside or redecorate my entire house. I had freedom. Freedom in ways you never experience when you are in a relationship with someone else.

The worst thing about single is the idea that exists out there that there isn’t anything to be gained by time spent being single

We are merely in a waiting room holding out for our number to be called up next. But single isn’t the dull waiting around for your life to start. It isn’t the in between better future things. Single is not an abandoned bus stop waiting eagerly for the next coach to come along. It is your moment, right now, to enjoy and embrace and discover everything about who you are.

I’ve learned how valuable alone time can be. Been able to invest in self-betterment. Discovered what a meaningful life looks like for myself. I stumbled across things that give me a sense of purpose. My confidence and self-esteem has grown by pushing my boundaries with taking on solo activities and adventures. I’ve become self-reliant, self-pleasing, and have a strong connection now to who I am and what I want from life.

Single has given me so much insight and I’ve learned a great deal about myself

It hasn’t always been easy, but then realistically what relationship ever is, either with oneself or another? Yet the overriding feelings I have now attached to being single, are that being single is a journey of self-discovery and I wouldn’t be who I am today without it.

Sure, I still want to be with someone one day, I do want that for me. But I no longer live out my single time as something to get through or wait out until that happens. Single is not a prelude to my defining chapter. Single can be my defining chapter.

Have you ever been in single survive? How did you transform to single thrive? I’d love to know, add your comments below.